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rethinking
sometimes i get really annoyed with myself for the way i think, rethink, and overthink things. thursday morning i got some potentially alarming (but probably nothing serious) health news, and it prompted a bit of a crisis, complete with angry music blasted through headphones. fortunately, i have calmed back down into rationality, thanks to some much needed assistance from the illustrious miss L, who is supremely good at cutting through the crap and putting things into perspective. i am such a messy thinker. some unexpected good has come of it, too--a creeping calm, and clarity in the rest of my life. this past summer brought me a lot of mental and emotional upheaval: dealing with unignorable evidence that my parents are both declining fast, which of course raised some worries about my own "shelf life"; being with my family for a month and facing our various functions and dysfunctions; dealing with the end of a relationship; and feeling blocked and unable to do my academic work. not that i didn't enjoy myself this summer--i did, i just had all this dreck swirling around too, clouding my air. it made me question a lot of decisions i made a long time ago, and i started wondering: maybe i *would* like to have a long-term, committed relationship (something very different from legal marriage, but with way more longevity than i've been inclined to commit to since the divorce); maybe i'm going to *regret* not having even one kid; maybe academic work and teaching really *aren't* right for me; and shit, i'm getting old, maybe i should do x, y, or z before it's too late, and i need to get the fuck out of school already, get a real life, earn a real paycheck. you know: woulda coulda shoulda.
over the past 2-3 weeks i have been gradually calming down, mentally, but this weekend...for whatever reason the health news (and miss L's intervention) really focused that process. this mini wake-up call is getting me to just appreciate the things i have in my life, to trust myself to make good decisions even if everyone around me thinks i'm nuts, and to stop trying to force things. like trying to "find someone" via internet dating. screw that, it's crap! i have a lot of "someones" in my life who are really fucking awesome, and i'm soooo lucky to know them. just because i'm not dating or sleeping with anyone doesn't mean my life is lacking in any way. i think it's even disrespectful to my friends, to be looking at the horizon for some elusive "connection" rather than appreciating them and letting them *know* how much i appreciate them. or trying to do "cutting edge" work. again...crap! worrying about that paradoxically blunts my intellectual edge, because it produces this anxiety that displaces my focus from the work itself, to a premature evaluation of the work. you can't do *any* work if you're constantly worried that it's going to be bad work.
and the kids question: i've had plenty of opportunities in my life to get pregnant, and i haven't chosen to yet. if it were what i really wanted, i think i'd have figured out a way to do it by now. the truth is, even the word "pregnant" makes me squeamish. i have only felt the desire to have a child like 2 times in my entire life, and then it was because i was deeply in love with someone, and felt like we could do that together, like the other person would meet me halfway (and i wouldn't have it any other way--no stereotyped gender roles for me, thanks). the rest of the time i have felt ambivalent at best, and often outright hostile to the idea, even terrified that i would get pregnant without wanting to and that it would ruin my life. it was easier to feel that ambivalence when the option of reproducing was still wide open because i was only 21 or 27 or 32, and that does look different now that i'm 38; but i didn't just appear in this place. i made conscious decisions that led me here. when i got the call from UW's english department almost 5 years ago now, offering me a spot in their program, i was in a relationship that probably would have taken me down that road if i had turned the offer down and stayed put. i chose to leave. i chose this, over that. and i *knew* what it meant--i keep an analog journal (sporadically) in addition to this public one, and it's right there, in my own handwriting. a very conscious, informed choice. i had just turned 34, i was divorced, and i was moving to a city where i knew almost noone, to enter a very demanding graduate program. i knew i was probably looking at a 5-7 year commitment to intense work that would leave me precious little time and energy for developing a long-term relationship, and that would mean finishing at the age of 39-41, then facing the rigors of the job market, and if i'm lucky the rigors of earning tenure as an assistant professor somewhere. the facts and what they meant were clear as air to me--making this choice most likely meant choosing *not* to reproduce biologically, and also probably meant that it would be difficult at best to have a romantic relationship. but i was completely psyched, thrilled, couldn't wait to get out here and to get started. and now, as i'm starting year 5, i'm going to question that decision and all of its logical consequences? what for??
i knew i was making the right choice because it was instantaneous, one of those rare moments when everything just aligns. as soon as i heard that voice over the phone, offering me a spot in this program, and a TA-ship, and even a small scholarship to defray the cost of moving across the country... as soon as i comprehended what the caller was saying to me, as far as *anything* i had in the works in vermont was concerned--the guy, law school, a kick-ass job offer from the vermont humanities council--i was already out the door. everything else just fell away and my choice didn't even feel like a choice anymore, it was simply what i was going to do. for better or for worse. i need to remember that moment, and others like it, whenever i start to doubt the decisions i've made. later the same day, believe it or not, i had yet another moment of crystal clarity, a logical corollary to the first one: i was helping my boyfriend move into his new house in huntington, vermont, and at one point i was alone in the house, standing by these french doors, looking out at the deck and the yard, with boxes stacked up all around me, and my fight or flight mechanism suddenly kicked in. i felt a surge of adrenaline deep in my gut and in the joints and muscles of my legs, and one word hummed in my skull: "RUN."
so here i am. sometimes the body knows what the brain has only begun to realize. back then and now, i think the message is the same: face facts, make decisions, acccept the consequences, appreciate what you've got while you've got it, do what you can, and for crying out loud be *nice* to yourself.
over the past 2-3 weeks i have been gradually calming down, mentally, but this weekend...for whatever reason the health news (and miss L's intervention) really focused that process. this mini wake-up call is getting me to just appreciate the things i have in my life, to trust myself to make good decisions even if everyone around me thinks i'm nuts, and to stop trying to force things. like trying to "find someone" via internet dating. screw that, it's crap! i have a lot of "someones" in my life who are really fucking awesome, and i'm soooo lucky to know them. just because i'm not dating or sleeping with anyone doesn't mean my life is lacking in any way. i think it's even disrespectful to my friends, to be looking at the horizon for some elusive "connection" rather than appreciating them and letting them *know* how much i appreciate them. or trying to do "cutting edge" work. again...crap! worrying about that paradoxically blunts my intellectual edge, because it produces this anxiety that displaces my focus from the work itself, to a premature evaluation of the work. you can't do *any* work if you're constantly worried that it's going to be bad work.
and the kids question: i've had plenty of opportunities in my life to get pregnant, and i haven't chosen to yet. if it were what i really wanted, i think i'd have figured out a way to do it by now. the truth is, even the word "pregnant" makes me squeamish. i have only felt the desire to have a child like 2 times in my entire life, and then it was because i was deeply in love with someone, and felt like we could do that together, like the other person would meet me halfway (and i wouldn't have it any other way--no stereotyped gender roles for me, thanks). the rest of the time i have felt ambivalent at best, and often outright hostile to the idea, even terrified that i would get pregnant without wanting to and that it would ruin my life. it was easier to feel that ambivalence when the option of reproducing was still wide open because i was only 21 or 27 or 32, and that does look different now that i'm 38; but i didn't just appear in this place. i made conscious decisions that led me here. when i got the call from UW's english department almost 5 years ago now, offering me a spot in their program, i was in a relationship that probably would have taken me down that road if i had turned the offer down and stayed put. i chose to leave. i chose this, over that. and i *knew* what it meant--i keep an analog journal (sporadically) in addition to this public one, and it's right there, in my own handwriting. a very conscious, informed choice. i had just turned 34, i was divorced, and i was moving to a city where i knew almost noone, to enter a very demanding graduate program. i knew i was probably looking at a 5-7 year commitment to intense work that would leave me precious little time and energy for developing a long-term relationship, and that would mean finishing at the age of 39-41, then facing the rigors of the job market, and if i'm lucky the rigors of earning tenure as an assistant professor somewhere. the facts and what they meant were clear as air to me--making this choice most likely meant choosing *not* to reproduce biologically, and also probably meant that it would be difficult at best to have a romantic relationship. but i was completely psyched, thrilled, couldn't wait to get out here and to get started. and now, as i'm starting year 5, i'm going to question that decision and all of its logical consequences? what for??
i knew i was making the right choice because it was instantaneous, one of those rare moments when everything just aligns. as soon as i heard that voice over the phone, offering me a spot in this program, and a TA-ship, and even a small scholarship to defray the cost of moving across the country... as soon as i comprehended what the caller was saying to me, as far as *anything* i had in the works in vermont was concerned--the guy, law school, a kick-ass job offer from the vermont humanities council--i was already out the door. everything else just fell away and my choice didn't even feel like a choice anymore, it was simply what i was going to do. for better or for worse. i need to remember that moment, and others like it, whenever i start to doubt the decisions i've made. later the same day, believe it or not, i had yet another moment of crystal clarity, a logical corollary to the first one: i was helping my boyfriend move into his new house in huntington, vermont, and at one point i was alone in the house, standing by these french doors, looking out at the deck and the yard, with boxes stacked up all around me, and my fight or flight mechanism suddenly kicked in. i felt a surge of adrenaline deep in my gut and in the joints and muscles of my legs, and one word hummed in my skull: "RUN."
so here i am. sometimes the body knows what the brain has only begun to realize. back then and now, i think the message is the same: face facts, make decisions, acccept the consequences, appreciate what you've got while you've got it, do what you can, and for crying out loud be *nice* to yourself.
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Would you like to reschedule now that everything is ok?
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all is...wait and see, as always. isn't that life?
sure, give me a call when you're next in town--this coming weekend is bad though, so after hallowe'en sometime.
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