arguchik | (no subject)

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: harry chapin, "cat's in the cradle"

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parents

(no subject)

:::sigh:::

my father no longer remembers my and my siblings' names. according to my mom, he often forgets her name, though he remembers that she's his wife and that she cooks his food for him. as for mom...she still remembers everyone (and she compensates a lot for dad's deficiencies), but her short term memory is very bad.

i'm also conflicted because my parents have decided to distribute some CD's to us kids--that is, they nominally made this decision, but it was with the encouragement of a financial advisor that my sisters consulted. it's money they set aside for each of us many years ago, with the idea that it would go to us when they die--but for a variety of reasons, it makes more sense to distribute the funds now rather than waiting. according to the financial advisor, liquid assets are most vulnerable to nursing home claims, and my parents clearly wanted us to have this money. it's not a huge amount or anything--my parents have never been wealthy--but it's symbolic of their work as parents, that they wanted to set aside some amount of what they had, for us. i could certainly use some extra money right now, but i feel extremely reluctant to spend even a dime of it. my parents are nearing the end of their lives--certainly the end of their independent lives. i've known this intellectually for awhile, but it's becoming more material, more visceral. this is probably the last "parental" thing they will ever do for me--one last little push, and once it's gone, they'll be gone (at least symbolically). conversely, if i can keep it around for awhile, maybe grow it a little here and there, it'll be like...keeping them around a little longer.

my feelings about this are kind of a tangled mess. today i learned about "ghost processes" that run in the background and chew up CPU capacity on my laptop, thereby slowing everything else down. this grief--actual and impending (hinted at by the actual: dad forgetting my name, now, foreshadows dad forgetting me, in the not too distant future; and dying, of course)--is kind of like a ghost process.

i keep telling myself, the best way to honor my parents is to live a full, active, interesting life; and the best way to ensure that i'm able to do that is to prevent my feelings from becoming ghost processes. it's difficult...but so important...to feel them consciously and to cry when i need to cry.

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Aw sister. I hear you in this hard time, and my heart is with you.

thank you so much. it was so nice seeing you the other day--even if it was for a bittersweet occasion (jenelle's room is so empty it makes the whole house echo!). you give extremely good hugs.

I am terrified and saddened by the same--parents moving toward death. My heart aches for you, but I also believe, with you, that they will continue to live vibrantly through you.

thank you--it means a lot to me to know that people care. i have always been terrified of losing my parents, and to have it happening in this particular way is extremely difficult.

they had good lives, though. ups and downs, of course; some grief mixed in with the happiness. but overall, really good lives.

oops...should have said "they have had good lives." a little past-tense slip-up there.

:::shudder:::

I don't know what to say about your Dad ... except that I am so sorry and my thoughts are with you.

thank you. i don't know what there is to say. it's hard, but it's part of life, too. without the sad stuff, the happy stuff wouldn't really mean anything.

it's a gift that during such a hard time you are able to express exactly the feeling you're experiencing w/ such beautiful clarity--i felt like you weren't telling me anything strange & new, but rather that you recognized & named something familiar. take care, dear. xo

thank you very much. i wish you didn't live so far away--or that i had known to look you up when i was working in california last year (tho i was only in LA for a brief stint; i spent most of my time in san diego--actually la jolla--and berkeley). it would be cool to meet up sometime and trade trashy-talk about bland crapids. LOL. i have always called it "bland rapids," but

glaucon told me the other day that you call it "bland crapids," and i about peed my pants from laughing. don't know why that's so much funnier to me, but it is.

cos "crap" is like THEE funniest word

my friend Moss is from MI too and we took pics on saturday of us pointing to where we lived on our hands, but she was so tipsy she had her hand backwards...i was like I DONT BELIEVE YOU ARE ACTUALLY FROM 'AMERICA'S HI-FIVE' IF YOU CANT EVEN HOLD YOUR HAND RIGHT! GASP OF OUTRAGE!!!!

yeah, lady. we'll swap stories, for sure. OR (gasp) HANGOUT IN GR OVER THE HOLIDAYS?!!?!? i spend that time driving my dad's durango and bitching about how i miss the goth coffeeshop. care to join??

by "holidays" do you mean christmas/new year's? i'm probably not going to be there then, alas; if that plan changes, i'll let you know. right now it looks like i'll be going for a visit in late august.

where does your family live, btw? my parents are in wyoming, near 44th and clyde park; one sister lives in hudsonville; my other sister lives in the vicinity of alger/madison (just north of 28th st); and my brother lives in dearborn.

yeah, i pretty much only hit it for christmas.

my dad/stepmom are in ada and my mom/stepdad are just north of them, off the east beltline and knapp...we were Forest Hills kids (but not the rich kind).

sure, sure, i know those areas. i drove a school bus in ada the summer i was a day camp counselor for YMCA's camp optimist. (it's out in allendale.)

have you ever heard of kelloggsville? that's where i went, K-12. i spent 3 years at GRCC (it was GRJC then), then 3 more years at MSU.

i went to camp optimist!!

my (step)mom is a counselor at GRCC, has been for 19 years. i went there for two years and then went to MSU--1995-97 at CC, 1998-99 at State. funny!

i moved back to GR for two years after dropping out of MSU and i lived at the big house on the corner of Lake/Fuller and worked at Kava House.

i went to camp optimist!

ZOW! that would be completely fucking bizarro if you were a camper the summer i was a counselor. let's see...i worked out there the summer before i started at MSU, which woulda been 1988.

heh. was big joe the camp director when you were there?

mighta been. i was shuttled around to a lot of camps during that time, the winter of mom's discontent. i think i worked there later, too, when it partnered up w/ girl scouts (i am a huge nerd). i was 9 in summer 1988 so it seems eminently possible--i'll see if my parents remember.

p.s. FHC or FHN? i can't remember which is where...or are they merged now?

Central's on Ada Drive, by dad's house...Northern's off of the beltline. i went to Northern, as did my siblings. there's a third high school now, Forest Hills Eastern.

I mull the same thoughts sometimes as my parents enter their decline. My mother had a phrase when her parents died - something about there being no one between her and the grave anymore. Putting words to reality is somehow helpful in facing it.

You go live your full and interesting life. Make them prouder.

yeah...that whole..."i'm going to be in the oldest generation in my family soon" is really scary, and sobering. makes you realize in a whole new way how short life really is.

so far that makes me want to do just what you advise--grab on tight to the reins and and tell my horse, "GO! take me far, take me fast, take me someplace unexpected!"

I am so, so sorry. Words are failing me right now, but please know that I am listening.

My brother's family is going through something very similar, and your post got me thinking more about it today.

best vibes being sent your way.

i read your post about fred. what my siblings and i are going through is hard, yes, but my parents have had good, long lives prior to losing any cognitive function. what is happening to fred carries an extra tragic sting for his loved ones.

thanks for the vibes. i'm projecting some fred's way too, both for him and for those close to him.

btw, i also meant to say...i can totally relate to what you said about not knowing what to say to fred when you see him socially. my parents are both at that stage where they can't really offer anything new in a conversation, can't ask probing questions or take a conversation in an unexpected and interesting direction. they are pretty much restricted to the formulaic forms of social discourse. "how have you been?" "what's new?" "what have you been up to?" etc. it's hard, when i talk to my parents on the phone, because i want to sustain the contact, have a real conversation, but they just can't sustain their end anymore.

*hugs* You are your fathers daughter, he now lives in you. You make him proud.

as for the CD, nothing wrong with rolling it back in a CD for a while or forever. Immortality of sorts.

*hugs* You are your fathers daughter, he now lives in you. You make him proud.

for some reason this made me bawl--and i happen to think that's a good thing, btw. i would be worried about myself if all of this stuff didn't make me cry, frankly. thank you--this is a lovely way to think about my dad.

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