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arguchik:::sigh:::
my father no longer remembers my and my siblings' names. according to my mom, he often forgets her name, though he remembers that she's his wife and that she cooks his food for him. as for mom...she still remembers everyone (and she compensates a lot for dad's deficiencies), but her short term memory is very bad.
i'm also conflicted because my parents have decided to distribute some CD's to us kids--that is, they nominally made this decision, but it was with the encouragement of a financial advisor that my sisters consulted. it's money they set aside for each of us many years ago, with the idea that it would go to us when they die--but for a variety of reasons, it makes more sense to distribute the funds now rather than waiting. according to the financial advisor, liquid assets are most vulnerable to nursing home claims, and my parents clearly wanted us to have this money. it's not a huge amount or anything--my parents have never been wealthy--but it's symbolic of their work as parents, that they wanted to set aside some amount of what they had, for us. i could certainly use some extra money right now, but i feel extremely reluctant to spend even a dime of it. my parents are nearing the end of their lives--certainly the end of their independent lives. i've known this intellectually for awhile, but it's becoming more material, more visceral. this is probably the last "parental" thing they will ever do for me--one last little push, and once it's gone, they'll be gone (at least symbolically). conversely, if i can keep it around for awhile, maybe grow it a little here and there, it'll be like...keeping them around a little longer.
my feelings about this are kind of a tangled mess. today i learned about "ghost processes" that run in the background and chew up CPU capacity on my laptop, thereby slowing everything else down. this grief--actual and impending (hinted at by the actual: dad forgetting my name, now, foreshadows dad forgetting me, in the not too distant future; and dying, of course)--is kind of like a ghost process.
i keep telling myself, the best way to honor my parents is to live a full, active, interesting life; and the best way to ensure that i'm able to do that is to prevent my feelings from becoming ghost processes. it's difficult...but so important...to feel them consciously and to cry when i need to cry.
my father no longer remembers my and my siblings' names. according to my mom, he often forgets her name, though he remembers that she's his wife and that she cooks his food for him. as for mom...she still remembers everyone (and she compensates a lot for dad's deficiencies), but her short term memory is very bad.
i'm also conflicted because my parents have decided to distribute some CD's to us kids--that is, they nominally made this decision, but it was with the encouragement of a financial advisor that my sisters consulted. it's money they set aside for each of us many years ago, with the idea that it would go to us when they die--but for a variety of reasons, it makes more sense to distribute the funds now rather than waiting. according to the financial advisor, liquid assets are most vulnerable to nursing home claims, and my parents clearly wanted us to have this money. it's not a huge amount or anything--my parents have never been wealthy--but it's symbolic of their work as parents, that they wanted to set aside some amount of what they had, for us. i could certainly use some extra money right now, but i feel extremely reluctant to spend even a dime of it. my parents are nearing the end of their lives--certainly the end of their independent lives. i've known this intellectually for awhile, but it's becoming more material, more visceral. this is probably the last "parental" thing they will ever do for me--one last little push, and once it's gone, they'll be gone (at least symbolically). conversely, if i can keep it around for awhile, maybe grow it a little here and there, it'll be like...keeping them around a little longer.
my feelings about this are kind of a tangled mess. today i learned about "ghost processes" that run in the background and chew up CPU capacity on my laptop, thereby slowing everything else down. this grief--actual and impending (hinted at by the actual: dad forgetting my name, now, foreshadows dad forgetting me, in the not too distant future; and dying, of course)--is kind of like a ghost process.
i keep telling myself, the best way to honor my parents is to live a full, active, interesting life; and the best way to ensure that i'm able to do that is to prevent my feelings from becoming ghost processes. it's difficult...but so important...to feel them consciously and to cry when i need to cry.
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Date: 2007-07-10 10:16 pm (UTC)thanks for the vibes. i'm projecting some fred's way too, both for him and for those close to him.
btw, i also meant to say...i can totally relate to what you said about not knowing what to say to fred when you see him socially. my parents are both at that stage where they can't really offer anything new in a conversation, can't ask probing questions or take a conversation in an unexpected and interesting direction. they are pretty much restricted to the formulaic forms of social discourse. "how have you been?" "what's new?" "what have you been up to?" etc. it's hard, when i talk to my parents on the phone, because i want to sustain the contact, have a real conversation, but they just can't sustain their end anymore.