I'm really enjoying being back on this platform. I'm still adjusting to the "new look" that seems to have rolled out yesterday, but I do like the new theme I've chosen for my own LJ's appearance. Blue + wood + readable posts = awesome, IMO. I need to go through and edit my list of links, though--I'm sure many of them are gone, broken, or just sitting stagnant at this point.

A couple of days ago I spent some time paging back through some really old entries, and it was unsettling, reassuring, and sobering (yes, all of that, all at once) to realize how much time has passed since I first started writing here. I really valued seeing textual evidence of my thoughts, feelings, struggles, and - yes - insights. I don't think the Facebook model can facilitate the same kind of reflection on the past. The reasons are probably obvious: the transient microblogging model doesn't leave as much of a "trace" as long form blogging and the traces that it does leave are much harder to page through even weeks later, much less months or years. The archive is not organized in a linear, calendrical fashion.

I also really like that I can choose to make my posts public, friends-locked, private-filter locked, or private. I know that I can do that on FB, too, but for whatever reason - naiveté or whatever - I trust the settings on LJ more than I do on FB.

Facebook Stuff

Jan. 9th, 2009 11:03 am
arguchik: (barbie in box)
Just lately I've been hearing from, or finding and friending, a bunch of people that I knew in high school or college and haven't seen or talked to since. It's raising some weird feelings for me...echoes of the insecurities and anxieties I felt on a daily basis while in high school, and that I battled with to a lesser but still significant degree in college. I'm not sure any of these people realized that I was battling such demons; over the ensuing years I have figured out that...while I think my private struggles are written plainly on my face--i.e. that my heart is on my sleeve--that is not how I am perceived by others. In other words, when I think I am in a very obviously shaky, vulnerable state, for some reason I come across as...cool and "together" (?!)...or something. I'm trying to say that people seem to perceive me as a much cooler customer than I actually am on the inside. I don't think my affect is exactly flat, but for some reason the extreme vulnerability and uncertainty that I feel inside sometimes, doesn't seem to project. And this isn't to imply that I am a perpetual walking raw nerve, I'm just talking about certain moments or periods in my life. Except that high school, and to a lesser extent college, were basically filled with such moments; back then I was a perpetual walking raw nerve. I think in high school everyone thought I was just an aloof, all over the map, nerdy-yet-slacker weird girl. I always felt slightly off, somehow, like I didn't belong, like I was always on the fringes of things, never an integral part of the group--even things that I was heavily involved in, like drama, track, or band.

Anyway, so far everyone has been really nice, friendly, and they all seem happy to hear from me--and I from them--but the feelings are still there, and unexpected, and unsettling. I just had one person confirm a friend request I sent to her, and from her profile I found another person that I was always friendly with, and sent him a friend request. And oddly...I'm just feeling really emotional about it. For a moment I was even on the verge of shedding a few tears. I feel echoes of that weird, scared girl; she's still in there, still not entirely certain that people like her or find her worth listening to or hanging around with. I think my experiences with the union a couple of years ago brought her closer to the surface, and now Facebook is jabbing her a little bit, and she still has access to the nerve endings and emotional pathways in this body I like to think is all mine.

Why is this happening? What is up with that? Anyone else out there experience anything like this? Maybe it's a normal thing that most people experience when they go to a HS reunion or something...only I've never gone to a reunion. To my knowledge, my graduating class hasn't had a reunion since 1995. If I were suddenly invited to one right now, I don't know if I'd want to go or not. A lot of the people I was friends with were from other classes--or they moved away or dropped out before graduation, thus wouldn't be on the invitee list for a reunion anyway.


Dec. 12th, 2007 08:00 am
arguchik: (Default)
i found my niece and nephew on facebook. i'm debating whether or not to add them as friends. LOL--they might think i'm spying on them for their mom (my sister). they each have over 200 friends, probably all high school students (near as i can tell--i am not going to sift through 2 friendslists that long!).

for some reason this amuses me, in a "cosmic joke" sort of way. they are nearly adults (my niece technically already is an adult), yet i remember carrying them around as teeny babies, changing their diapers, feeding them, etc. now they are into "social networking."

the cosmos is nudging me: "get a move on. life is short, death is long, and you're not getting any younger."

dammit, i'm not sure i'm getting any wiser, either.

p.s. added much later: surprise! they both added me as a friend! i find this deeply flattering, for some reason. they are cool kids, and i'm a big, old nerd.

facebook Q

Nov. 27th, 2007 09:09 am
arguchik: (Default)
can anyone tell me why facebook might be sending me multiple notifications per event? yesterday i got no fewer than 7 notifications telling me that someone had verified information i entered about how we know each other. i'm quite certain the person didn't verify the information 7 times... does this happen to anyone else?

in other news, i took a benadryl to help me sleep last night. i was having a fit of anxiety-induced insomnia, which was odd because my sleep has been quiet and steady for several months now. unfortunately, i waited to take it until 3:30am because i kept thinking i'd be able to get myself to sleep naturally. nope. took the drug. now i don't want to see anything other than the insides of my eyelids for another 3-4 hours. it is 9am. i don't want to keep sleeping!


arguchik: (Default)

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