eat light:

So far my little experiment is going pretty well. I've been doing nothing to my skin except using the OCM on it, and it is clearer than it has been my whole life, I think. Oh, I have been applying a few drops of grapeseed oil into it in places after doing the OCM, plus in the morning after my shower (during which I rinse my face thoroughly under the water but don't use soap or cleanser) I've been using some Clinique eye cream that I've had for awhile. I have some dry, flaky patches on my chin, but I think that's from over-scrubbing it over the weekend. (I use a washcloth to steam my face and to wipe away the oil, and I rubbed my chin a little too hard Saturday night--it stung a bit, and was kind of red the next day.) Other than that, it looks good. My pores seem smaller, and my skin feels smooth to the touch.

For my hair, I used the baking soda and vinegar regimen on Monday and Tuesday, and yesterday I just rinsed it with water. By last night it was looking very greasy, so I was curious to see how well the regimen would work when I showered this morning. It worked like a charm--my hair is soft and well-behaved today, not the least bit greasy, yet shiny and bouncy. Oh, I meant to say too, that in addition to the regimen, I'm also putting a tiny bit of Bumble & Bumble's Brilliantine hair product in it while it's still damp, mainly on the ends and the pieces around my face. It's like a styling cream, and I use it because it controls static, to which my hair is extremely prone. It has some natural oils in it, and I can't see any silicone-like chemicals listed in the ingredients, so it should be fine. (Silicone is bad for hair because it clogs up the scales and won't let any moisture into the hair shaft--it's a very common ingredient in shine products and hair straighteners. I remember my dad forbidding the use of silicone-containing products on wood furniture, too, for basically the same reason.) I've been reading a little bit more about the no-shampoo, aka "no-poo," lifestyle (I cringe at that usage of the word, though), and another trick that they recommend is to use just conditioner to clean the hair. Apparently baking soda can be somewhat harsh to hair, and cause the ends to dry out. I haven't noticed that yet, but it does seem to be very effective at removing excess oil, so I'm wondering if it will end up being just as bad as shampoo, in the long run--but of course it's much better in terms of reducing the number of noxious chemicals one applies to one's body. Some people out there have tried cutting back on the amount of baking soda they use, in order to reduce the drying effect, so I might try that as well. So far, though, my hair feels much softer and looks much shinier than when I was using shampoo and conditioner. Until I started this experiment, I was using Bumble & Bumble's Thickening shampoo and conditioner, probably 4-5 times per week.

OK, that's it for today. I have lots more to talk/write about, particularly regarding my dad and mom, but I don't have time today. I need to eat some lunch and get my ass on a bus to Bothell, ASAP!

I took my first yoga class today. Not my first ever--I have taken exactly 3 classes before, every time as a guest. I've also done some yoga on my own, using books and videos (with OK but not great results, because having a teacher correct the small elements of a pose is so invaluable). The most recent class I took was last Sunday, with my friend L. That class convinced me to get over the inertia hump and sign up for the introductory series at The Yoga Tree, which is right around the corner from my house. So my first class was awesome. I learned a lot, and it has done immediate wonders for my back and my sense of well-being. It also highlighted a few things about my personality--things that I have known for a long time, but tend to forget.

1. When I feel threatened, or when I feel like I will fail or do a bad job at something, I contract away from things. This makes me feel rigid in the world (get your mind outta the gutter, I'm being serious here), balled up, and it has the effect of increasing my anxiety. It becomes almost impossible to open myself to new things, to be resilient in the face of new challenges or possible losses. It's like my self turns into a whirlpool that sucks everything downward and there's no possibility for outward flow. Positive energy turns negative and adds to the ferocity of the spiral, like a big feedback loop.

2. My physical and psychological selves are so linked together that they have an immediate effect on each other. When I use my body in a way that emphasizes my strengths, that lengthens me and opens me up, I almost immediately feel more open psychologically, emotionally (to the extent that that's different), and intellectually. This might sound kind of woo-woo, but it also makes me feel simultaneously more humble, more vulnerable; and stronger, more capable. I feel more inclined to be open to people and things, to the world, to both loss and gain. I feel more accepting of the back and forthness of life, the reciprocity of forces. It's good, because it means that I can address my psychological state through my body. I have been in therapy for awhile now, and I almost feel like yoga (and running, if/when I can get past my tendinitis problems; I simply can't accept the possibility that I have gotten too old for it)--let's just say physical activity is more therapeutic for me than talk therapy. I guess it's particularly effective when they're paired, and in fact trois'ed with journal writing.

3. Which brings me to the third thing that has been reinforced for me today: the importance of reinforcement, repetition, practice. I can't just do this stuff once, or for a little while, and expect to get any long-lasting benefit from it; I have to keep doing it regularly--whether "it" is yoga, running, writing, teaching, or whatever. Feeling good about myself and feeling open to the world is a process; I'm afraid my "natural" or base state, the state to which I revert when I stop expending effort, is one of curling inward and downward, physically and mentally. Paradoxically, that state feels profoundly unnatural to me, and I don't like being in it.

In a little bit I'm going to head to campus to pick up my students' portfolios. Then I'm going to either come back home or go out to a coffee shop to grade-grade-grade-grade-grade. Tonight, hopefully going to see the Old 97's. It's sold out. We're trying to score some tix.

hmmmm. i used the neti last night. i didn't use it the night before. this morning i woke abruptly at 6am with a nosebleed. i didn't have a nosebleed yesterday morning. previously, i used the neti on sunday (first time) and monday, and i had nosebleeds on monday and tuesday.

i think i need to stop using it for a little bit, and let my sinuses fully heal from the flu/cold i had a couple of weeks ago. i'm still dealing with low-grade snot, which i'm sure is causing inflammation and dryness in my nasal passages and sinuses. i don't know why the mild saline solution rinsing through my nasal passages would cause further irritation and even bleeding, but the correlation seems pretty strong to me, so i'm going to operate on the assumption that the relationship is causal, even if only partially. (i'm sure that neti irrigation wouldn't "cause" nosebleeds if my nasal passages weren't already irritated.)

i hasten to add that these were minor nosebleeds that ended quickly. none of them lasted more than 10-15 minutes. (i used to get really bad ones when i was a kid, so i know what that's like.)

maybe i'm running a little low on iron or something.

fuckers. UWMC charges 69 cents per page for me to obtain a personal copy of my medical records. but, if they send the records to another health care provider, it's free--as a "professional courtesy." CT scans cost $8 per film, though they will burn a CD for free (not sure if i have to provide the blank CD or not). of course they're blaming it on HIPPA...

well, it's good advice anyway. but first, a brief frame: i've been having this little nagging feeling in my right lower abdomen lately. for about a week, i guess. naturally i'm worried about it. it's about where my appendix used to be, where my right ovary still is. i've read that it takes about a year for the abdominal muscles to completely heal following surgery, so it could be that. my colon has surgical staples in it where they removed my appendix, so it could be that. i'm on my period, so it might just be lopsided cramps. i've been increasing my running mileage lately, so i might just have irritated either the muscles around my incision or the surgical staples in my colon. or...could be a bad sign of something more serious starting (though PMP usually doesn't produce any symptoms).

enter today's horoscope:
Don't worry that a past health issue is popping up again. Chances are, this physical change you're feeling is merely a manifestation of some troubling issues you've been tossing around inside your head. Get out and be active, and you will be able to exercise some of these worries away. It's a win-win proposition. Socializing while you exercise is easier than ever, so get with your friends and enjoy a game of basketball, play some tennis or simply take a nice long walk.

ok. it's a buncha bunk, i know, but it's good enough for me. and it's right: i've been tossing around a LOT of troubling issues lately. and like i said...it's good advice.

in case you were wondering, an abdominal CT scan at the UW medical center costs $2,938.00.

how do i know? i had one in february, and i just got the bill. fortunately i have insurance, but it only covers 90% (after the deductible), so my portion will still amount to at least $294.

oh, and that doesn't include the doctor's visit where i actually heard the results. that is billed separately, and costs another $200+.

did i mention that i'm still paying off the bills from my surgery last july? i don't even know how much that amounted to, because it was broken up into a gazillion separate bills, but i still owe about $400.

(and they wonder why i'm suffering from anxiety...)

this calls for some punk rock and a run. i'm heading out shortly for 4 miles, which will put me at 8 for this week.

had my CT scan this morning. dr. mann gave me the thumb's up--the CT scan looks clear. he recommends that i have yearly CT scans, but said every other year might be OK. he reiterated that i shouldn't just "walk away and do nothing," and that i should plan to have this kind of monitoring for the rest of my life. apparently he's had patients come in 14-15 years after having their appendices removed, now having "big problems" (i.e. advanced cases of pseudomyxoma peritonei or PMP).

while i was in the CT waiting area, i overheard a guy and his wife talking to a hospital volunteer. apparently the wife has had the PMP surgery awhile back (a year ago maybe?)--google "sugarbaker procedure" if you want to see the gory details. i can't write about it right now. it sounded pretty fucking awful. she looked terrible, frankly--thin as a rail, jaundiced, frail, careful about moving around too much... as i was leaving dr. mann's office in the UWMC surgery pavillion, i saw her in that waiting room. dr. mann is her doc too. he's like...the only doctor in the northwest (all the way down to northern california) with any experience treating this array of diseases.

:::sigh:::

annual CT scans, OK. if they catch it earlier than most of dr. mann's other patients, they might not have to be so invasive and aggressive. on the other hand, annual CT scans means i'm going to be exposed to a lot lot lot of radiation. i need to look into that, find out what the actual dose is, do a cost/benefit analysis, etc.