The primary goal I set for myself a few months ago, the "thing" or "point" toward which to strive as I contend with my current array of upheavals, was this: To get out of my own way.

To get out of my own way. It lacks specificity and shape, but it encapsulates what I most want in life. To move and to act according to my own sense of what I should do, without hobbling or discouraging myself. I have experienced this before. Over the last several years I have gradually draped myself with threads spun from guilt and apology, self-abnegation. It happened slowly, one strand at a time, but it all accumulated to the point where I couldn't move or speak without tripping or getting tangled up in it. It gets everywhere: in my eyes and sinuses, around my shins and wrists, into my throat and heart. It mats my hair and dulls my skin. It hangs from my elbows like Spanish moss.

A secondary goal, not quite as amorphous, has become legible in the little window at the bottom of my Magic 8-Ball: Say "yes."

Saying "yes" is like cutting and brushing away the cobwebs. It lets me see out, go out, orient my trajectory toward out.


Apr. 11th, 2007 07:13 pm
arguchik: (meat chica)
in other news, my heartbeat has taken a major, noticable turn for the better over the last 5 or 6 days. today i've only had one pretty brief period of arhythmia, while i was on the bus this morning. it lasted for 7 or 8 minutes. it's really remarkable. my chest just feels easier, looser. there's no tightness.

(this is without alprazolam. i ran out of that a couple of days ago. for the last 2-3 weeks i've only been taking it at night because it helped me to sleep, and it felt like that was the thing i most needed help with. happily, i don't feel like i need it anymore.)

it just feels so good to be doing the work that i love again--all of it, teaching, research, writing, even grading. i have a great group of students this quarter, and i'm especially happy that they seem to have cohered nicely as a group. cross your fingers for me--i'm looking for teaching work for next year, to sustain me during the real writing process that is yet to come. i know i shouldn't count on getting anything from my department next year, though i'm hoping for a 1-quarter fellowship.

yeah, so i'm taking it easy tonight. i'm going to curl up with a novel for a bit, casually grade a few papers, and at some point i will eat ice cream!

running log

Mar. 13th, 2007 11:00 am
arguchik: (mongoose)
i ran 3 miles this morning. i didn't end up running the planned 4 miler on sunday, and also didn't run yesterday, so i'm only at 3 for the week. i didn't sleep well over the weekend, so i decided to take it easy. today's run felt wonderful. i'm probably going to do the 4 miler tomorrow instead, then 3 again on thursday.

unfortunately my heart is still acting up. running seems to help, plus i've cut way back on both stress and caffeine--i actually haven't had any caffeine at all for about 2 weeks, except what occurs incidentally in foods like...girl scouts thin mints cookies, to take a wildly hypothetical example. ;-) but it still has these periods when it can't seem to find the right rhythm. it's worst in the morning when i'm waking up, or if anything startles me or makes me feel nervous or worried during the day. yesterday evening i noticed it a lot while i was just sitting and reading, though. it would be fine for a few minutes, then act up for a couple of minutes, etc. (it's not surprising that i would notice the arhythmia more when i'm sitting quietly, but it still freaks me out.) i finished the 2-week course of tranks on friday, but the doc wrote the prescription for 1 refill in case i wanted it. maybe i should take it for another couple of weeks. i normally don't like taking drugs, but this one doesn't seem to give me any weird side effects, and it's a really low dose, so maybe it wouldn't hurt.


arguchik: (Default)

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