eat light:

Just lately I've been hearing from, or finding and friending, a bunch of people that I knew in high school or college and haven't seen or talked to since. It's raising some weird feelings for me...echoes of the insecurities and anxieties I felt on a daily basis while in high school, and that I battled with to a lesser but still significant degree in college. I'm not sure any of these people realized that I was battling such demons; over the ensuing years I have figured out that...while I think my private struggles are written plainly on my face--i.e. that my heart is on my sleeve--that is not how I am perceived by others. In other words, when I think I am in a very obviously shaky, vulnerable state, for some reason I come across as...cool and "together" (?!)...or something. I'm trying to say that people seem to perceive me as a much cooler customer than I actually am on the inside. I don't think my affect is exactly flat, but for some reason the extreme vulnerability and uncertainty that I feel inside sometimes, doesn't seem to project. And this isn't to imply that I am a perpetual walking raw nerve, I'm just talking about certain moments or periods in my life. Except that high school, and to a lesser extent college, were basically filled with such moments; back then I was a perpetual walking raw nerve. I think in high school everyone thought I was just an aloof, all over the map, nerdy-yet-slacker weird girl. I always felt slightly off, somehow, like I didn't belong, like I was always on the fringes of things, never an integral part of the group--even things that I was heavily involved in, like drama, track, or band.

Anyway, so far everyone has been really nice, friendly, and they all seem happy to hear from me--and I from them--but the feelings are still there, and unexpected, and unsettling. I just had one person confirm a friend request I sent to her, and from her profile I found another person that I was always friendly with, and sent him a friend request. And oddly...I'm just feeling really emotional about it. For a moment I was even on the verge of shedding a few tears. I feel echoes of that weird, scared girl; she's still in there, still not entirely certain that people like her or find her worth listening to or hanging around with. I think my experiences with the union a couple of years ago brought her closer to the surface, and now Facebook is jabbing her a little bit, and she still has access to the nerve endings and emotional pathways in this body I like to think is all mine.

Why is this happening? What is up with that? Anyone else out there experience anything like this? Maybe it's a normal thing that most people experience when they go to a HS reunion or something...only I've never gone to a reunion. To my knowledge, my graduating class hasn't had a reunion since 1995. If I were suddenly invited to one right now, I don't know if I'd want to go or not. A lot of the people I was friends with were from other classes--or they moved away or dropped out before graduation, thus wouldn't be on the invitee list for a reunion anyway.