![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arguchiki don't know about this year. there were some bad things that happened. there were some good things that happened. on balance, i'd have to say this was a difficult year, and while i've had years in which harder things happened--e.g. when my sister died or when i got divorced--the rest of the stuff in those years was exciting or at least relatively OK. the year my sister died was my first year in college, so...built in excitement. the year i got divorced i was in school as well, i finished my MA, and i ran a marathon. (i'm suddenly realizing that i still mark the "year" in academic terms--i.e. as starting in august/september.)
anyway, this year i feel like i have pulled into myself like a turtle, withdrawn from things, become too much of a homebody. last winter's series of anxiety attacks seem to have left me with a social wariness that wasn't there before. i don't get out much. i'm quiet when i'm out. i spend a lot of time alone, and when i don't have plans i tend to stay home. used to be, if i was home alone and feeling lonely, i'd go out somewhere and do something, even if just by myself. i'd go for a walk (this was easier, at night anyway, when i still had my dog), i'd go to a movie, i'd go to a coffee shop...whatever. now i don't.
i should say that this isn't a completely new thing. i struggled with this same issue when i was in my 20's, and then i just seemed to "blossom" (sorry, cheesy term) when i went back to school at UVM. i was surprised, back then, to discover that i had things (ideas, observations, etc.) to contribute and that people actually valued my contributions and sought me out as someone they might like to know. i made friends. i did stuff. i took care of myself. i started to actually like myself.
that went away this year. i've had difficult years in between then and now, but they didn't shake my fundamental feeling that i was a worthwhile, capable human being who could weather life's tumbles, and who could move herself in the world. this year, though...it kinda kicked my teeth in, and i've had a hard time getting back up again. i've lost that basic faith in myself. nothing seems to be working right: my body, my sense of humor, my work, my ability to strike up a conversation literally with anyone. my temper is on a much shorter fuse, i feel defensive, too focused on the negative (i mostly turn this against myself, but it bleeds into other things too), and like i'm taking myself way too seriously. i walk around with this feeling like disaster will strike me, and it could happen at any time. LOL--and because i was raised catholic, there's that omnipresent little voice saying, "yeah, and it will be your fault."
the thing is, disaster might strike. it probably will. i'm not wrong--if nothing else, i at least recognize that i'm not immune. but that's no way to live, on high alert all the time. it's paralyzing. before, i was (somehow) able to have a sense of humor about the possibility/probability of disaster striking; i wasn't really any more pollyanna-ish than i am now, i just didn't try to manage or control the onset of disaster. i figured that noone ever knows what life will bring them, what life will take away from them, and the key is to enjoy whatever you have while you have it. in order to enjoy life, though, you have to just accept that there are HUGE variables that are completely beyond your control, and to be OK with that. it's as it should be, as it is with everyone. my difficulty stems from that catholic thing, again, the world view that says, "if bad things happen to you, it is simply the wages of your own sin." LOL. when i type it out like that, actually say it and acknowledge it openly and honestly, it is so obviously ridiculous.
to be fair, too, i've had a lot of things happen this year that tend to leave a person seeking more control over life, over fate. specifically, i've had two big reminders of my mortality, the transience of my being: i was diagnosed with something that might kill me; and my parents are dying. (i know, i know...aren't we all? yeah, metaphorically they've been dying since their birthdays, just like everyone else. but they are disappearing in measurable, palpable increments. my father doesn't remember who i am anymore. my mother is better, but she does everything he says, and he is delusional. i worry about how vulnerable they have become.) honestly, it's hard to accept the consequences of my choices, in this area. i am a graduate student by choice, but sometimes it crushes me that this choice has taken me far away from my family for the last "good" years my parents will have, and that it keeps me poor enough that traveling is seldom affordable. (don't even get me started on the health insurance issue, and how vulnerable i feel because of that.)
anyway, here's my goal for the year: to get myself up again, standing...moving... to quit preparing for, and cringing away from, impending disaster. it's a big goal, but it's actually comprised of a bunch of smaller goals, and i'm going to do my best to focus on those smaller goals. draw up a plan, break it up into steps, and then focus on the steps and trust that they will take me in the right direction. so here are my concrete resolutions:
1. run regularly. figure out a plan that works and stick to it. when the inevitable "growing pains" (i.e. injuries) strike, don't get discouraged; look at them as "growing pains," signs that i'm challenging myself and getting stronger. not as the end of the world.
2. eat better. this is easy. i know how to do this. i've just gotten into this mental state of dreading the whole hassle that is food. i'm bored with it, tired of figuring out what to eat and the whole annoyance of procuring and preparing it. the key is to go to the store regularly and to have enough staples on hand that i can whip something up relatively painlessly.
3. stop walking around with this "i'm not worthy" attitude toward my chosen career. i fell off track for awhile. i need to accept it and move on. it's not the end of the world. it happens to lots of people who are at my phase of degree progress. i didn't think it was going to happen to me, but it did; that doesn't mean i don't belong in this career or that i've "wasted my chance," that i'm now a has-been (yes, this is what goes through my mind on a regular basis; it is exhausting, frankly). it just means that i have to develop some new skills. i can do that, right? right.
4. have FUN! let go. enjoy life. this doesn't mean "ignore the bad stuff in life," it means...live fully, relish the ups and the downs of life. there's this book that leon uris and his wife put together, a pictorial of ireland. it's called a terrible beauty. i first encountered that book in high school, and the phrase has always stuck with me. bitter and sweet. honey and salt (which is the title of one of carl sandburgh's books). terrible beauty. that's what life is.
happy new year, everyone!
anyway, this year i feel like i have pulled into myself like a turtle, withdrawn from things, become too much of a homebody. last winter's series of anxiety attacks seem to have left me with a social wariness that wasn't there before. i don't get out much. i'm quiet when i'm out. i spend a lot of time alone, and when i don't have plans i tend to stay home. used to be, if i was home alone and feeling lonely, i'd go out somewhere and do something, even if just by myself. i'd go for a walk (this was easier, at night anyway, when i still had my dog), i'd go to a movie, i'd go to a coffee shop...whatever. now i don't.
i should say that this isn't a completely new thing. i struggled with this same issue when i was in my 20's, and then i just seemed to "blossom" (sorry, cheesy term) when i went back to school at UVM. i was surprised, back then, to discover that i had things (ideas, observations, etc.) to contribute and that people actually valued my contributions and sought me out as someone they might like to know. i made friends. i did stuff. i took care of myself. i started to actually like myself.
that went away this year. i've had difficult years in between then and now, but they didn't shake my fundamental feeling that i was a worthwhile, capable human being who could weather life's tumbles, and who could move herself in the world. this year, though...it kinda kicked my teeth in, and i've had a hard time getting back up again. i've lost that basic faith in myself. nothing seems to be working right: my body, my sense of humor, my work, my ability to strike up a conversation literally with anyone. my temper is on a much shorter fuse, i feel defensive, too focused on the negative (i mostly turn this against myself, but it bleeds into other things too), and like i'm taking myself way too seriously. i walk around with this feeling like disaster will strike me, and it could happen at any time. LOL--and because i was raised catholic, there's that omnipresent little voice saying, "yeah, and it will be your fault."
the thing is, disaster might strike. it probably will. i'm not wrong--if nothing else, i at least recognize that i'm not immune. but that's no way to live, on high alert all the time. it's paralyzing. before, i was (somehow) able to have a sense of humor about the possibility/probability of disaster striking; i wasn't really any more pollyanna-ish than i am now, i just didn't try to manage or control the onset of disaster. i figured that noone ever knows what life will bring them, what life will take away from them, and the key is to enjoy whatever you have while you have it. in order to enjoy life, though, you have to just accept that there are HUGE variables that are completely beyond your control, and to be OK with that. it's as it should be, as it is with everyone. my difficulty stems from that catholic thing, again, the world view that says, "if bad things happen to you, it is simply the wages of your own sin." LOL. when i type it out like that, actually say it and acknowledge it openly and honestly, it is so obviously ridiculous.
to be fair, too, i've had a lot of things happen this year that tend to leave a person seeking more control over life, over fate. specifically, i've had two big reminders of my mortality, the transience of my being: i was diagnosed with something that might kill me; and my parents are dying. (i know, i know...aren't we all? yeah, metaphorically they've been dying since their birthdays, just like everyone else. but they are disappearing in measurable, palpable increments. my father doesn't remember who i am anymore. my mother is better, but she does everything he says, and he is delusional. i worry about how vulnerable they have become.) honestly, it's hard to accept the consequences of my choices, in this area. i am a graduate student by choice, but sometimes it crushes me that this choice has taken me far away from my family for the last "good" years my parents will have, and that it keeps me poor enough that traveling is seldom affordable. (don't even get me started on the health insurance issue, and how vulnerable i feel because of that.)
anyway, here's my goal for the year: to get myself up again, standing...moving... to quit preparing for, and cringing away from, impending disaster. it's a big goal, but it's actually comprised of a bunch of smaller goals, and i'm going to do my best to focus on those smaller goals. draw up a plan, break it up into steps, and then focus on the steps and trust that they will take me in the right direction. so here are my concrete resolutions:
1. run regularly. figure out a plan that works and stick to it. when the inevitable "growing pains" (i.e. injuries) strike, don't get discouraged; look at them as "growing pains," signs that i'm challenging myself and getting stronger. not as the end of the world.
2. eat better. this is easy. i know how to do this. i've just gotten into this mental state of dreading the whole hassle that is food. i'm bored with it, tired of figuring out what to eat and the whole annoyance of procuring and preparing it. the key is to go to the store regularly and to have enough staples on hand that i can whip something up relatively painlessly.
3. stop walking around with this "i'm not worthy" attitude toward my chosen career. i fell off track for awhile. i need to accept it and move on. it's not the end of the world. it happens to lots of people who are at my phase of degree progress. i didn't think it was going to happen to me, but it did; that doesn't mean i don't belong in this career or that i've "wasted my chance," that i'm now a has-been (yes, this is what goes through my mind on a regular basis; it is exhausting, frankly). it just means that i have to develop some new skills. i can do that, right? right.
4. have FUN! let go. enjoy life. this doesn't mean "ignore the bad stuff in life," it means...live fully, relish the ups and the downs of life. there's this book that leon uris and his wife put together, a pictorial of ireland. it's called a terrible beauty. i first encountered that book in high school, and the phrase has always stuck with me. bitter and sweet. honey and salt (which is the title of one of carl sandburgh's books). terrible beauty. that's what life is.
happy new year, everyone!
Tags:
