d-day

[arguchik]

so i scheduled (tentatively) the home vet visit for next tuesday (the 8th). scheduling the euthanasia of a cat...it felt very very weird talking to the vet on the phone.

i'm still a little torn. should i wait until jester seems sicker? is it ok to let him go now? what if he puts up a fight when he sees the needle? even if he doesn't, what will it be like to watch the death of an alert, mentally aware animal? what if i'm racked with guilt afterward? should i spend the next week completely spoiling him?

what i need is a dose of resolve. i also need to reassure myself (or be reassured) that i'm doing the right thing.

this is perhaps one of my most annoying traits, as far as i'm concerned. i'm not always indecisive (in fact, i'm not *usually* indecisive)...only when guilt is involved. or death--me having to make a decision to end the life of a fellow creature. even (um...especially?) one i find particularly difficult to live with. i just hate that i am so susceptible to guilt, that it is so paralyzing or anxiety-producing--particularly guilt about some other person or creature's needs that i'm not willing or able to meet. i just imagine this cat looking at me and thinking, "why is she abandoning me?"

Comments

[evacado.livejournal.com]

Yuck yuck. You have a rough job. While I've never been the one to take the pet to it's last visit with the vet, I know it's a very painful thing and an awful decision to make. Knowing he's on death row is hard.
A couple of things to remember:
Your vet is right in saying that he is probably already in some pain. A cancer that invasive has probably wrapped itself around some nerves and is causing some pressure, not to mention disturbing the muscles it's attached to. Cats are uber-stoic. Do you want to wait until he is in so much pain that he actually starts to show it?

It is always, always always better to euthanize too early than too late. The few weeks or months of good life he might have had left are not worth risking even a day of that miserable existence that he might face if you wait too long. Too soon guilt is much better than too late guilt. You're doing the right thing by doing it sooner than later, and by making it a lower stress home visit.

It's sort of like the guilt people have when faced with end-of-life decisions for a family member who may not have been very pleasant. It'd be hard to pull the plug on my nasty, spiteful, backstabbing old aunt because I wouldn't know whether I was doing her a service or exacting my revenge. You just can't extricate that deep negativity enough to make an objective decision.
Most animals know when it's their time. Humans are like that, too. They'll go down fighting, or they'll accept their fate, and you can't do much to change that, but he probably knows what's coming. Cats are perceptive like that.
The look he gives you when he's breathing his last is just what you make it. You can see fear and hatred in his eyes, or you can see a quiet "thank you."
Do what's going to make you feel comfortable. You're going to feel guilt and sadness, and although it sounds coarse, in the end, you're going to be the only one who has to live with it. So if it makes you feel good to spoil him, go for it. You'll know that he had a happy week and might have been happier when he died.
You don't have to stay in the room while the vet administers the injection. Make the decision when you get to that point. You might talk to the vet about a little kitty valium to help keep him calm and happy for his last couple of hours.

Whatever you do, remember that you did the best you could. And he knows that, in his little wierd cat way.

[arguchik.livejournal.com]

thank you for the reassurance--about it being better to euthanize too early than too late. i waited too long with my dog, and have always regretted his last 24-48 hours. afterward, the vet who euthanized him (in my apartment in fremont--she's the same vet i called to come euthanize jester) said...once an animal gets a fatal diagnosis, any life she helps them to live after that point is purely for the owner's peace of mind. today on the phone she said it's a completely personal decision (when, how soon, to euthanize), but she said what you said too--he's probably in pain. she *also* said what you said about the valium. just so happens, i have some on hand--the other vet wrote a prescription to cover him for several visits. i have to check to see how much i have.

thanks, too, for mentioning your bitter angry old aunt. lol. everyone has a relative like that... i am *very* worried that i am rushing jester to his end because i am tired of living with him. ask any of my friends who have been around him for more than a few minutes (ask crash, for example): he is a major pain. but i don't want his last days to be bad, or painful, or whatever either. i will say, too...there is some ex-husband "junk" wrapped up with this cat too. my ex spoiled him rotten when he was a kitten, and jester always loved him more than he loved me (they were like peas in a pod), but when we split up my ex wouldn't take him. i ended up with all 3 of our pets (another cat is presumably still alive and living with a former boyfriend in vermont, who also wouldn't keep jester because he couldn't stand him).

today i bought a bunch of little cans of wet cat food--8 different flavors to get us through the week. i also bought a little catnip thingy that the pet food store person swears is the best catnip ever. (she has 3 cats, so i guess she'd know.)