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already my memories of jester are starting to fade. i remember what his voice sounded like, and i remember his mannerisms, but i don't find myself startled by his absence anymore. i no longer "expect" him to be there, except for two things: i still feel the urge to put whatever i'm carrying down at cat height when i open my apartment door (he liked to dart through open doors), and i still move my feet carefully in bed at night, as if i might accidentally knock him off the end of the bed.
i gave most of his stuff to my neighbor who has a cat (i'm very pragmatic--there's nothing wrong with the stuff, so somebody else should get some use out of it). i kept 4 things: his kitty fishing pole, which is propped in the same corner where i always kept it; his collar, which is tucked into my messenger bag with perry's collar (perry was my dog, who died 2 years ago); this little bag of catnip that has teeth marks and drool stains on it (kinda gross, i know); and his scratching post, which is still hanging on the doorknob of my apartment. i can't bring myself to take that down, for some reason. he loved it so much--it's all frayed from him clawing it. i'll get rid of it at some point, but not yet.
i have to give three cheers for therapy--once again, it is *really* helping me to sort out my shit! i can do some of that work on my own--i do, and always have--but it goes faster and more smoothly with therapy than without, in my experience (this is the second time i've been in therapy--the first time was before, during, and after my divorce). i go once a week right now, and every week i learn something, gain insight or perspective on some issue. i can feel it changing my brain--and my heart. it's helping me defuse my writer's block, too, which is *such* a relief! i actually feel excited about my dissertation project again, and i also feel capable of getting it written. now if i can just sustain that momentum.........
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i gave most of his stuff to my neighbor who has a cat (i'm very pragmatic--there's nothing wrong with the stuff, so somebody else should get some use out of it). i kept 4 things: his kitty fishing pole, which is propped in the same corner where i always kept it; his collar, which is tucked into my messenger bag with perry's collar (perry was my dog, who died 2 years ago); this little bag of catnip that has teeth marks and drool stains on it (kinda gross, i know); and his scratching post, which is still hanging on the doorknob of my apartment. i can't bring myself to take that down, for some reason. he loved it so much--it's all frayed from him clawing it. i'll get rid of it at some point, but not yet.
i have to give three cheers for therapy--once again, it is *really* helping me to sort out my shit! i can do some of that work on my own--i do, and always have--but it goes faster and more smoothly with therapy than without, in my experience (this is the second time i've been in therapy--the first time was before, during, and after my divorce). i go once a week right now, and every week i learn something, gain insight or perspective on some issue. i can feel it changing my brain--and my heart. it's helping me defuse my writer's block, too, which is *such* a relief! i actually feel excited about my dissertation project again, and i also feel capable of getting it written. now if i can just sustain that momentum.........
( Read more... )
