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arguchiki turned 40 on friday. i don't have to worry about that anymore--it's done, i survived, and no, i don't feel any different. i had a nice, small-ish gathering of friends for dinner friday evening. my friend L generously offered the use of her house for the occasion, and it was very nice. low-key.
i spent the rest of the weekend essentially incommunicado, holed up with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
glaucon watching babylon 5 (season 4) on DVD. i came up for air once or twice, but not for long.
tomorrow normal time begins again.
i've also been contemplating deep and sad topics this weekend, unfortunately. i spoke with my parents on friday. my father only remembered that it was my birthday because my mom reminded him; he didn't remember how old i am, though, or even what year i was born. when my mom told him the year, he couldn't do the math to figure out what birthday i was celebrating, and got mad at me for asking him to try to figure it out, so she finally just told him that too. then he couldn't remember what year he was born. i'm not sure if that was because he has forgotten, or because his cognitive processing is so impaired that he didn't understand what i was asking him. he also might still have been flustered and stressed from the arithmetic issue, thus too distracted to process the question. i talked to my siblings about it later. over the last few weeks, we've been getting increasingly worried about my parents' ability to manage their finances, and have been talking about when/whether to take over. my sisters talked to my parents' estate attorney early last week, and found out: A) there is already a limited POA set up in my brother's name (he is the executor of my parents' estate); but B) the POA won't allow him to intervene in anything, only to monitor account activities, etc.; and C) our only other option is to set up a conservatorship for the management of our parents' finances--but that is a court action that requires having them declared incompetent. we're not quite ready to do that, because it will cause a huge break with our father, who is likely to hold a bitter grudge against all of us for the rest of his life--and it will also, likely, shorten his life. at some point we'll have to do it anyway, but it's going to be so disruptive that we're approaching it with caution. both of our parents are suffering from vascular dementia, but their symptoms are strikingly different: our mother seems more aware of her reduced mental capacities, and therefore is more open to help from us; our father, on the other hand, is combative, paranoid that everyone is out to trick him in some way, and adamant that he's as sharp as he ever was. it's not clear to me whether dad is simply further along in the progression of the disease (he is 7 years older than mom), or if his disease is taking a different form. the latter seems likely--i'm pretty sure he's been having TIA's (transient ischemic attacks, or "mini-strokes"), so he has probably sustained more severe damage to specific areas of his brain. mom's disease seems to be progressing more steadily, as if she's experiencing a more gradual and generalized reduction in blood flow to her brain. i'm no neuroscientist (obviously), but for some reason this explanation makes sense to me--dad has displayed more profound changes in his personality, cognition, and motor skills, and he gets worse in "chunks"; whereas mom's personality seems mostly the same (although she's more passive and suggestible than she ever used to be, and her temper is also a lot less volatile) and her motor skills seem fine, but her short-term memory has gotten really bad and she's a lot slower at processing new information than she used to be. the biggest difference, though, is that she knows, and dad doesn't. this could also be just because dad finds the decline a lot more frightening than mom does. it makes sense, in a lot of ways. dad basically dragged himself out of poverty by enlisting in the navy at the end of WWII and, on a fluke (long story), going to college on a ROTC scholarship. he wouldn't have gone to college otherwise; there's no way his parents could have afforded it. he has always prided himself on his wits and his mechanical aptitude, his ability to take care of himself no matter what. mom, on the other hand, grew up "lace curtain irish," (i.e. sort of...lower-middle-class; her dad was an auto mechanic who co-owned a little 2-bay shop with a friend of his, and my impression is that they did pretty well with it, although they worked very long hours) and that's how i'd describe my parents' class position as well. in other words, dad felt extremely lucky to have climbed into that class bracket, but also more vulnerable to falling back out of it again; whereas for mom it was more...what she was already used to. both of them were the first members of their respective families to attend college, though; or even to finish high school, for that matter.
anyway, while i was talking to my sister J, she also informed me that our aunt H (dad's older sister, who is in the last stages of vascular dementia--it seems weird and somewhat alarming to me that she and both of my parents are all suffering from this) is in the hospital, and her son, with whom she has been living for the last couple of years, finally said he doesn't think he can take care of her anymore, and will have to place her in a nursing home. she is so far gone she doesn't really remember who he is. the latest crisis was precipitated by a bladder infection, and her subsequent refusal to eat or drink. since being admitted to the hospital, she has also refused to walk. the doctor doesn't think she will walk again. she's physically capable, but the will isn't there anymore. there's noplace she wants to go, nothing she wants to get or to see. the edge of the universe, for her, is about 3 feet away from her body in any direction. beyond that...is fog. i feel sad for her, and for the loss of her--her family and our family were close when i was a kid, and she doted on all of her nieces and nephews. somehow she made each one of us feel special, visible, and loved. (i don't know if her own kids felt that way or not...) now she doesn't remember us, and her affect is flat, her interactions confined to rote phrases when she says anything at all. my dad is getting that way too, actually; he gets confused whenever you go off the usual "social script," and when you stay on it, he recites the same lines, gives the same responses to stock questions. i wonder how far away the edge of the universe is for him, and how close to his body it will ultimately get.
(sigh) vascular dementia: thief of souls.
i spent the rest of the weekend essentially incommunicado, holed up with
glaucon watching babylon 5 (season 4) on DVD. i came up for air once or twice, but not for long.tomorrow normal time begins again.
i've also been contemplating deep and sad topics this weekend, unfortunately. i spoke with my parents on friday. my father only remembered that it was my birthday because my mom reminded him; he didn't remember how old i am, though, or even what year i was born. when my mom told him the year, he couldn't do the math to figure out what birthday i was celebrating, and got mad at me for asking him to try to figure it out, so she finally just told him that too. then he couldn't remember what year he was born. i'm not sure if that was because he has forgotten, or because his cognitive processing is so impaired that he didn't understand what i was asking him. he also might still have been flustered and stressed from the arithmetic issue, thus too distracted to process the question. i talked to my siblings about it later. over the last few weeks, we've been getting increasingly worried about my parents' ability to manage their finances, and have been talking about when/whether to take over. my sisters talked to my parents' estate attorney early last week, and found out: A) there is already a limited POA set up in my brother's name (he is the executor of my parents' estate); but B) the POA won't allow him to intervene in anything, only to monitor account activities, etc.; and C) our only other option is to set up a conservatorship for the management of our parents' finances--but that is a court action that requires having them declared incompetent. we're not quite ready to do that, because it will cause a huge break with our father, who is likely to hold a bitter grudge against all of us for the rest of his life--and it will also, likely, shorten his life. at some point we'll have to do it anyway, but it's going to be so disruptive that we're approaching it with caution. both of our parents are suffering from vascular dementia, but their symptoms are strikingly different: our mother seems more aware of her reduced mental capacities, and therefore is more open to help from us; our father, on the other hand, is combative, paranoid that everyone is out to trick him in some way, and adamant that he's as sharp as he ever was. it's not clear to me whether dad is simply further along in the progression of the disease (he is 7 years older than mom), or if his disease is taking a different form. the latter seems likely--i'm pretty sure he's been having TIA's (transient ischemic attacks, or "mini-strokes"), so he has probably sustained more severe damage to specific areas of his brain. mom's disease seems to be progressing more steadily, as if she's experiencing a more gradual and generalized reduction in blood flow to her brain. i'm no neuroscientist (obviously), but for some reason this explanation makes sense to me--dad has displayed more profound changes in his personality, cognition, and motor skills, and he gets worse in "chunks"; whereas mom's personality seems mostly the same (although she's more passive and suggestible than she ever used to be, and her temper is also a lot less volatile) and her motor skills seem fine, but her short-term memory has gotten really bad and she's a lot slower at processing new information than she used to be. the biggest difference, though, is that she knows, and dad doesn't. this could also be just because dad finds the decline a lot more frightening than mom does. it makes sense, in a lot of ways. dad basically dragged himself out of poverty by enlisting in the navy at the end of WWII and, on a fluke (long story), going to college on a ROTC scholarship. he wouldn't have gone to college otherwise; there's no way his parents could have afforded it. he has always prided himself on his wits and his mechanical aptitude, his ability to take care of himself no matter what. mom, on the other hand, grew up "lace curtain irish," (i.e. sort of...lower-middle-class; her dad was an auto mechanic who co-owned a little 2-bay shop with a friend of his, and my impression is that they did pretty well with it, although they worked very long hours) and that's how i'd describe my parents' class position as well. in other words, dad felt extremely lucky to have climbed into that class bracket, but also more vulnerable to falling back out of it again; whereas for mom it was more...what she was already used to. both of them were the first members of their respective families to attend college, though; or even to finish high school, for that matter.
anyway, while i was talking to my sister J, she also informed me that our aunt H (dad's older sister, who is in the last stages of vascular dementia--it seems weird and somewhat alarming to me that she and both of my parents are all suffering from this) is in the hospital, and her son, with whom she has been living for the last couple of years, finally said he doesn't think he can take care of her anymore, and will have to place her in a nursing home. she is so far gone she doesn't really remember who he is. the latest crisis was precipitated by a bladder infection, and her subsequent refusal to eat or drink. since being admitted to the hospital, she has also refused to walk. the doctor doesn't think she will walk again. she's physically capable, but the will isn't there anymore. there's noplace she wants to go, nothing she wants to get or to see. the edge of the universe, for her, is about 3 feet away from her body in any direction. beyond that...is fog. i feel sad for her, and for the loss of her--her family and our family were close when i was a kid, and she doted on all of her nieces and nephews. somehow she made each one of us feel special, visible, and loved. (i don't know if her own kids felt that way or not...) now she doesn't remember us, and her affect is flat, her interactions confined to rote phrases when she says anything at all. my dad is getting that way too, actually; he gets confused whenever you go off the usual "social script," and when you stay on it, he recites the same lines, gives the same responses to stock questions. i wonder how far away the edge of the universe is for him, and how close to his body it will ultimately get.
(sigh) vascular dementia: thief of souls.
