running

[arguchik]

i had a really great run on friday, and have been thinking about it a lot. i got out of my running routine about a year ago, when my dog perry died. i started up again in late april, and i'm finally to the point where i feel like it's on track. my run friday reminded me of *why* i love running so much, and i don't know what i would do instead, if i couldn't run. running is like kinetic meditation to me--i keep my breathing very rhythmic when i run, and after about the first half mile or so i go into a mildly trance-like, floaty but very focused and attunded state. i don't do the mental discipline of meditation, though--i let my thoughts range over a bunch of different topics. sometimes i work on problems, things i'm trying to figure out about my personal life, my work, or whatever. sometimes i think about a book i've been reading, different details about it, how i want to interpret it. and sometimes i think about completely random bits of the world--photosynthesis, say, or baking brownies, or what it will be like when the city decides to fix a particular pothole. simmering underneath all of that is just an awareness of my body and what it's doing, how it's feeling. when i'm done, i always feel calmer, more sure of myself and what i'm about, and like i'll be okay, i'll be able to make it through whatever i need to get through. it's paradoxical in some ways, because i also know that's not true at all. i might find myself physically or emotionally destroyed by something that will happen 5 minutes from now--and running also heightens my awareness of my own vulnerability and cosmic insignificance in some ways--but even if something is going to kill you...death is still something to get through, isn't it?