d-day

[arguchik]

so i scheduled (tentatively) the home vet visit for next tuesday (the 8th). scheduling the euthanasia of a cat...it felt very very weird talking to the vet on the phone.

i'm still a little torn. should i wait until jester seems sicker? is it ok to let him go now? what if he puts up a fight when he sees the needle? even if he doesn't, what will it be like to watch the death of an alert, mentally aware animal? what if i'm racked with guilt afterward? should i spend the next week completely spoiling him?

what i need is a dose of resolve. i also need to reassure myself (or be reassured) that i'm doing the right thing.

this is perhaps one of my most annoying traits, as far as i'm concerned. i'm not always indecisive (in fact, i'm not *usually* indecisive)...only when guilt is involved. or death--me having to make a decision to end the life of a fellow creature. even (um...especially?) one i find particularly difficult to live with. i just hate that i am so susceptible to guilt, that it is so paralyzing or anxiety-producing--particularly guilt about some other person or creature's needs that i'm not willing or able to meet. i just imagine this cat looking at me and thinking, "why is she abandoning me?"

Comments

[arguchik.livejournal.com]

yeah...and why he has been puking so much, maybe. thanks for saying so...reassurance helps.

wish i could just do that automatically with guilt (actually, imagining it floating away on a river is really helpful). there's a *lot* of childhood conditioning behind that--i have learned to cope with it a lot better than i used to...but all those years of catholicism and my parents using guilt as their main "motivational tool" take a toll. i'll never get rid of it entirely, but hopefully i can keep learning how to lessen its impact on my life.

[crash66.livejournal.com]

I like to go to windy places and let the air blow through me, taking with it all the negative energy, all the muck, all the guilt. I usually start laughing at myself for hanging onto stuff then i just let it go and it floats away in the breeze.