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so yesterday (friday 8/12) would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. i remembered it while chatting with my neighbor prior to a run. (just to give the rest of the story: january ~20th was the 5th anniversary of my divorce being final.)
milestones always make me think about how much my life has changed--even (perhaps more so!) phantom milestones like this, milestones from an abortive trajectory, a road not taken. this particular phantom milestone makes me think not just about the changes, but how different my dreams and ambitions are from what they were. that i even *have* ambitions i can articulate, attainable dreams and not just pipe dreams, is a huge difference. i was so lost, then, so aimless, and so afraid to let go of a relationship that had *long* ceased to give me (or him) anything but pain and frustration. in hindsight i can see that i was very close to finding my way, a better trajectory for myself, and it's interesting to let that perspective color the memory. it changes the story completely, turns it into a fable about the dangers of hesitation, the dangers of languishing in a bad situation--hesitating to the point of languishing is far worse than the repercussions of making the leap. (that's not to say you shouldn't be attentive to the *loss* that will accompany a big change, but it's very important to keep that impending loss in perspective, not to let it loom larger than it will be.) i'm sorry to say i sometimes still need to kick myself in the ass with that lesson.
i can't even imagine getting married, now. the institution holds no further interest for me. it makes me happy, though, that my ex and i still exchange emails here and there--usually on our birthdays and at christmas. if i ever make it to germany (he lives there with his "new" wife and their two kids), i will look him up and hopefully meet him for lunch. if he lived closer, or if we had both stayed in vermont after divorcing, we might even be good friends now.
milestones always make me think about how much my life has changed--even (perhaps more so!) phantom milestones like this, milestones from an abortive trajectory, a road not taken. this particular phantom milestone makes me think not just about the changes, but how different my dreams and ambitions are from what they were. that i even *have* ambitions i can articulate, attainable dreams and not just pipe dreams, is a huge difference. i was so lost, then, so aimless, and so afraid to let go of a relationship that had *long* ceased to give me (or him) anything but pain and frustration. in hindsight i can see that i was very close to finding my way, a better trajectory for myself, and it's interesting to let that perspective color the memory. it changes the story completely, turns it into a fable about the dangers of hesitation, the dangers of languishing in a bad situation--hesitating to the point of languishing is far worse than the repercussions of making the leap. (that's not to say you shouldn't be attentive to the *loss* that will accompany a big change, but it's very important to keep that impending loss in perspective, not to let it loom larger than it will be.) i'm sorry to say i sometimes still need to kick myself in the ass with that lesson.
i can't even imagine getting married, now. the institution holds no further interest for me. it makes me happy, though, that my ex and i still exchange emails here and there--usually on our birthdays and at christmas. if i ever make it to germany (he lives there with his "new" wife and their two kids), i will look him up and hopefully meet him for lunch. if he lived closer, or if we had both stayed in vermont after divorcing, we might even be good friends now.
