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i'm feeling irritated, for no apparent reason. i've had a good day. the weather was nice--cool and a little cloudy. i wore a sweater, a pleasantly cozy and fuzzy one. i started reading a really interesting novel that i might use in my dissertation. i got actual work done--by which i mean writing, not just reading. i met a new friend for tea late in the afternoon and had an excellent conversation with him. he's a great combination of intellectually up my alley and easy on the eyes (without "knowing it," if you know what i mean), and he has been unambiguously gay for as long as he can remember, so it's like...good conversation without anyone trying to maneuver anyone else into bed. not that there's anything wrong with that, of course (so long as maneuv-or and maneuv-ee are both into it), it's just a more relaxed dynamic. *and* he told me i look like naomi watts, who is completely hot, so that was nice to hear (even though i don't really see the resemblance). ;-)
so what the fuck is my problem? a couple of neighbors just knocked on my door--they want me to go out for a late-night drink with them in a little while, and i don't want to go. in fact i have decided that i'm not going to go. i want to stay home and work some more. chez gaudy, the place they are headed, is cool...but they serve overpriced cocktails just like bleu bistro. it's owned by the same folks, actually--decorated by them too, so it has a similarly sexy, opium-den feel to it. it's hard to justify paying that much for a cocktail, and drinking it in an atmosphere like that, unless it's foreplay. no danger of that tonight. maybe that's why i'm grumpy.
or maybe it's the glaring contradiction made apparent by the juxtaposition of those two paragraphs: i liked the one situation because it wasn't sexual, and i want to avoid the other situation because it won't be sexual. i'm both sex-starved, and really tired of first-date sexual maneuvering, is what it boils down to. that awkwardness of trying to negotiate different styles of getting to know each other and deciding whether or not to come on to each other. the contrasts can be very stark. on the one hand, i had a seriously bad date a couple of weeks ago...and it was bad because the guy couldn't keep his fucking hands to himself, even though i told him like 3 times to knock it off (and then i told him to get lost, in case you were wondering). lol--he thought i was intimidated by his "sexual presence." whatever. on the other hand, i had an intriguing date on sunday afternoon--time literally flew--but i couldn't tell if he was taking his time, being respectful and not rushing things (which would be good); or just not into me (which would be disappointing). what does it mean, that "mr. too-much-affection" annoyed me, and "mr. does-he-like-me?" intrigues me? probably nothing all that cosmos-shaking. i just prefer lower-key men, that's all. i'm deeply suspicious of instant intimacy. it makes me want to run screaming.
so what the fuck is my problem? a couple of neighbors just knocked on my door--they want me to go out for a late-night drink with them in a little while, and i don't want to go. in fact i have decided that i'm not going to go. i want to stay home and work some more. chez gaudy, the place they are headed, is cool...but they serve overpriced cocktails just like bleu bistro. it's owned by the same folks, actually--decorated by them too, so it has a similarly sexy, opium-den feel to it. it's hard to justify paying that much for a cocktail, and drinking it in an atmosphere like that, unless it's foreplay. no danger of that tonight. maybe that's why i'm grumpy.
or maybe it's the glaring contradiction made apparent by the juxtaposition of those two paragraphs: i liked the one situation because it wasn't sexual, and i want to avoid the other situation because it won't be sexual. i'm both sex-starved, and really tired of first-date sexual maneuvering, is what it boils down to. that awkwardness of trying to negotiate different styles of getting to know each other and deciding whether or not to come on to each other. the contrasts can be very stark. on the one hand, i had a seriously bad date a couple of weeks ago...and it was bad because the guy couldn't keep his fucking hands to himself, even though i told him like 3 times to knock it off (and then i told him to get lost, in case you were wondering). lol--he thought i was intimidated by his "sexual presence." whatever. on the other hand, i had an intriguing date on sunday afternoon--time literally flew--but i couldn't tell if he was taking his time, being respectful and not rushing things (which would be good); or just not into me (which would be disappointing). what does it mean, that "mr. too-much-affection" annoyed me, and "mr. does-he-like-me?" intrigues me? probably nothing all that cosmos-shaking. i just prefer lower-key men, that's all. i'm deeply suspicious of instant intimacy. it makes me want to run screaming.
