teaching by example

so THAT's how you teach kids not to bite people. by beating them to it.

fucking bizarro

well, it's good advice anyway. but first, a brief frame: i've been having this little nagging feeling in my right lower abdomen lately. for about a week, i guess. naturally i'm worried about it. it's about where my appendix used to be, where my right ovary still is. i've read that it takes about a year for the abdominal muscles to completely heal following surgery, so it could be that. my colon has surgical staples in it where they removed my appendix, so it could be that. i'm on my period, so it might just be lopsided cramps. i've been increasing my running mileage lately, so i might just have irritated either the muscles around my incision or the surgical staples in my colon. or...could be a bad sign of something more serious starting (though PMP usually doesn't produce any symptoms).

enter today's horoscope:
Don't worry that a past health issue is popping up again. Chances are, this physical change you're feeling is merely a manifestation of some troubling issues you've been tossing around inside your head. Get out and be active, and you will be able to exercise some of these worries away. It's a win-win proposition. Socializing while you exercise is easier than ever, so get with your friends and enjoy a game of basketball, play some tennis or simply take a nice long walk.

ok. it's a buncha bunk, i know, but it's good enough for me. and it's right: i've been tossing around a LOT of troubling issues lately. and like i said...it's good advice.

RWP

READING: another country by james baldwin. god what exquisite prose. i want to read everything the man ever wrote. i'm also reading a bunch of stuff on racial genetics for the second chapter of my dissertation, which i'm currently revamping. it's going ok. i'm trying to find a focus, though, because the field is so huge and so much ink has already been spilled.

WEARING: still in my jammies. fridays are home days.

PLANNING: hanging out with glaucon tonight. tomorrow going to the u-district street fair during the day, after brunch. tomorrow night i'm going to the meat puppets show at the crocodile. sunday should be a quiet day--glaucon and i plan to head to one of the markets, cook some soup, perhaps do some studying.

my heartbeat has been haywire again this week. it started on saturday or sunday and i can't seem to get it to calm down, despite avoiding all caffeine since tuesday. i must be worrying about something, but i'm not sure what. i find that unsettling... who is this "i"?

more health stuff

i think i have decided to seek at least one further opinion about my appendiceal tumor. i've been doing research on the pmp awareness site, and have also been in communication with 3 different people in the support group that originated the site. [it's a yahoo group called "pmpbellybuttons," because apparently many doctors who do the MOAS (mother of all surgeries) end up removing the belly button along with whatever else. btw, i find the word "belly" very upsetting lately...i don't like that one of the colloquial names for this illness is "jelly belly," and i don't like this whole belly button issue one bit. please leave my belly alone! and no, it would not be funny to give me a package of jelly bellies as a gift. maybe in a couple of years. but not right now.]

anyway, i'm beginning to have some concerns about the surgical oncologist i have been seeing at UWMC. he's not an expert in dealing with PMP, and it turns out that he's actually had some pretty bad outcomes among the patients he has treated. nobody likes him, either. my concern is that it's very easy for a non-expert to miss the subtle signs of developing PMP illness on a CT scan. thus, i am starting to doubt whether or not i can trust the "all clear" he gave me based on my most recent scan, in february. detecting this illness early, before it has filled the abdomen with mucin and started interfering with intestinal function, is crucial. i think i should see an expert, even if it's just for peace of mind or confirmation that i'm following the most prudent course of treatment/monitoring.

let the insurance dance begin... my insurance is a PPO, and of course there are no experts in my provider network (it is basically limited to practitioners who are part of the UW medical system--yeah, not a great PPO). this condition is extremely rare, and "orphan" illness, so there aren't very many practitioners who even know about it, much less specialize in it. the nearest doc who's even close to being an expert is dr. holbrook in spokane. after that, it's dr. loggie in omaha nebraska, or dr. sugarbaker (the world-class PMP hotshot) in the d.c. area. none of these guys are in my network, obviously, which means the cost of seeing one of them is covered at only 60%. i also just realized that the maximum benefit for my plan is $100,000 per year, which would not cover the cost of surgery, should i need it.

i really need to get the fuck out of school and get a real job that offers health insurance for grown-ups.