RWPK

READING: I finally finished that Cloud's End by Sean Stewart. It's one of his earlier novels, and it shows. The writing is uneven, and the plot is both cluttered and anticlimactic. Where Stewart weaves in cliffhangers, they just aren't effective. It's such a contrast to his later novels, which I loved: Mockingbird and especially Perfect Circle, which are simpler yet richer tales. Still, this novel was a decent enough read. The characters are interesting and round, for the most part, and the dialog is about 70% believable. My main complaint about the book is that it just never seemed to be taking me anywhere. Anyway, I finished that yesterday morning right before I headed downtown to pick up my coat. Yay! The buttons--and the cosmic order--have been restored. Last night before I fell asleep I started reading The Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen. I've never read him before, and I have to say...the first few pages are really great, full of the kind of rich detail and interesting character development (already!) that I look for in a novel. I haven't read enough to get a sense of the plot yet. This book was recommended--and, in fact, given--to me by Amelia, a friend from my knitting group. I was talking about my dad at knitting one night--I think we may have been talking about good vs. sappy film depictions of dementia--and she said this book offers a realistic depiction of an elderly character suffering from Parkinson's-related dementia, and of how his wife responds, avoids seeing/knowing the truth, and covers for him. Only a few pages in, and already I agree with Amelia's assessment. I hope it maintains the tone and momentum it has already established.

WATCHING: Last night glaucon, rrspike, and I watched I Don't Know Jack, a somewhat low-fi biographical documentary that David Lynch did [ETA: glaucon just informed me that Lynch was just one of the producers on this film.] about Jack Nance, who starred in Eraserhead and had bit parts in other Lynch movies (among other things). He's the guy who uttered that famous line in Twin Peaks, "She's wrapped in plastic." The film was really good, even though it kind of followed a predictable path for a biomentary: here's where he started; here's a bunch of people saying what a great guy he was, telling specific stories to illustrate his good qualities and to show you how quirky and loved he was; here's those same people talking about his tragic flaw (alcoholism), telling stories about how awful he could be and how tragic it all was; and here's some other people telling what they know about his last year, how he died, the mysteries and unanswered questions surrounding his death, etc. And yet...I really enjoyed it. I pretty much knew where it was going the whole time, but Nance really was a charismatic and weird and sympathetic person, and the film presents its material in a compelling way, so I found it fascinating.

PLANNING: I have dinner plans tonight, which will be followed by some kind of pinball outing. Tomorrow I'm planning to take boxes of crap that I'm getting rid of around to various destinations (Red Light, Buffalo Exchange, Value Village, etc.). I spent a few hours last weekend going through my closet, and have been tripping over my "discard" piles all week. I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff. Costumes...it's just time. I haven't worn any of them for several years. Other clothing...same deal. And OMG shoes! I have cut my shoe collection drastically--by over half. Unfortunately what's left consists mainly of specialized shoes (running shoes, hiking boots, sandals, dress shoes to wear with skirts, etc.), and the basic, wear all the time shoes I held onto are pretty trashed. (If you know me IRL...those black mary janes I always wear...for example.) So after all this culling, I went out and bought 3 new pairs of basic shoes yesterday: a pair of cordovan clogs, another pair of the same damned black mary janes (because I love them, they are being discontinued, and they were thus marked down), and a pair of blue Simple sneakers (which surprisingly fit me--they are usually too wide). So anyway, this weekend is housecleaning weekend. Once I get all this crap out of my room I'm going to put everything back together while also vacuuming under and around everything. On Sunday I'll have some grading to do in addition to the omnipresent dissertation work. Things are finally moving on that front again--by which I mean officially moving, with my committee and stuff. I have a full committee meeting to prep for......sometime by the end of January, hopefully. ETA: I forgot to mention that glaucon and I also have dinner plans for tomorrow (Saturday) evening, and are going to see that new Clint Eastwood movie, Gran Torino, afterward.

KNITTING: Still working on my Cardigan for Arwen. I am currently re-knitting the first cuff for the THIRD time. My idea about grafting the cable together to make a nice cuff is proving very problematic. I'm going to try it one more time before resorting to the 3-needle bindoff. Once it's done I have to decide whether to start right in on the stockinette portion of the sleeve, or to knit the other cuff and then do both sleeves. I'm leaning toward the latter. Also, I finished one of the 2 scarves I've had on the needles for awhile: my Noro Striped Scarf. I washed it yesterday, and it's drying now. I'm leaving it unblocked because the 1x1 rib is squishiest and warmest if you let it do its accordion pleat thing. Today I'm going to steam block my mom's cardigan to "kill" the acrylic. ("Killing" acrylic permanently sets the stitches. I'm hoping this works OK with an acrylic-wool blend. I think it will. I'm concerned that the lace skirt on the sweater will bunch all up the first time my mom throws it in the wash.)

That's it for this week, kids. Hopefully next week I'll have a new "R" to add to the semi-weekly update. More on that later.

Facebook Stuff

Just lately I've been hearing from, or finding and friending, a bunch of people that I knew in high school or college and haven't seen or talked to since. It's raising some weird feelings for me...echoes of the insecurities and anxieties I felt on a daily basis while in high school, and that I battled with to a lesser but still significant degree in college. I'm not sure any of these people realized that I was battling such demons; over the ensuing years I have figured out that...while I think my private struggles are written plainly on my face--i.e. that my heart is on my sleeve--that is not how I am perceived by others. In other words, when I think I am in a very obviously shaky, vulnerable state, for some reason I come across as...cool and "together" (?!)...or something. I'm trying to say that people seem to perceive me as a much cooler customer than I actually am on the inside. I don't think my affect is exactly flat, but for some reason the extreme vulnerability and uncertainty that I feel inside sometimes, doesn't seem to project. And this isn't to imply that I am a perpetual walking raw nerve, I'm just talking about certain moments or periods in my life. Except that high school, and to a lesser extent college, were basically filled with such moments; back then I was a perpetual walking raw nerve. I think in high school everyone thought I was just an aloof, all over the map, nerdy-yet-slacker weird girl. I always felt slightly off, somehow, like I didn't belong, like I was always on the fringes of things, never an integral part of the group--even things that I was heavily involved in, like drama, track, or band.

Anyway, so far everyone has been really nice, friendly, and they all seem happy to hear from me--and I from them--but the feelings are still there, and unexpected, and unsettling. I just had one person confirm a friend request I sent to her, and from her profile I found another person that I was always friendly with, and sent him a friend request. And oddly...I'm just feeling really emotional about it. For a moment I was even on the verge of shedding a few tears. I feel echoes of that weird, scared girl; she's still in there, still not entirely certain that people like her or find her worth listening to or hanging around with. I think my experiences with the union a couple of years ago brought her closer to the surface, and now Facebook is jabbing her a little bit, and she still has access to the nerve endings and emotional pathways in this body I like to think is all mine.

Why is this happening? What is up with that? Anyone else out there experience anything like this? Maybe it's a normal thing that most people experience when they go to a HS reunion or something...only I've never gone to a reunion. To my knowledge, my graduating class hasn't had a reunion since 1995. If I were suddenly invited to one right now, I don't know if I'd want to go or not. A lot of the people I was friends with were from other classes--or they moved away or dropped out before graduation, thus wouldn't be on the invitee list for a reunion anyway.