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arguchiki ran 3 miles this evening. that puts me at 11 for the week. yay! today's run felt really good. i run an out and back course, so i have points mentally marked off that are 1.5 and 2 miles from home (for a 3 and a 4 mile run, respectively). today when i got to the 1.5 mile turnaround point, it was a struggle to make myself turn around. i wanted to go 4 miles instead of 3, but i also don't want to injure myself, so i made myself turn around. i keep reminding myself, "slow and steady wins the race" (SSWR).
with each mile i run, each breath, each bit of rubber worn off the bottoms of my shoes, it feels like i'm gradually, gradually picking up the broken bits of myself, dusting them off, and assembling them back into something (someone) more recognizable and comfortable. i'm saying i'm starting to like myself again, or at least to accept myself for what i am and am not. i haven't for quite awhile. i'm afraid that has made me difficult to be around, too; difficult to like; difficult even to know. over the last several months, i know i have felt stiff and awkward in many social situations--wanting to join in, go out, have fun but feeling shy and constrained, like i don't have anything to offer. this has been a bit of a struggle lately, because i'm coming "back" to my academic work, and to an intellectual community, and i feel a little bit of that "new grad student" self-consciousness again, fear of saying something too obvious or totally dumb, hackneyed, irrelevant, or just so..."yesterday." i've been through it before, so i know how to deal with it. dive in. total immersion. the worst thing to do is to back away and hide. if i say or write something stupid, who cares? i can rest assured that my advisors and colleagues will let me know--LOL. that's how you learn. i'll probably flail around for a bit, but i'll get the hang of it again.
now i'm off to shower, grade some papers, and craft a study guide for my students. they're reading some tough stuff next week, and i want to set up some markers or mileposts for them.
with each mile i run, each breath, each bit of rubber worn off the bottoms of my shoes, it feels like i'm gradually, gradually picking up the broken bits of myself, dusting them off, and assembling them back into something (someone) more recognizable and comfortable. i'm saying i'm starting to like myself again, or at least to accept myself for what i am and am not. i haven't for quite awhile. i'm afraid that has made me difficult to be around, too; difficult to like; difficult even to know. over the last several months, i know i have felt stiff and awkward in many social situations--wanting to join in, go out, have fun but feeling shy and constrained, like i don't have anything to offer. this has been a bit of a struggle lately, because i'm coming "back" to my academic work, and to an intellectual community, and i feel a little bit of that "new grad student" self-consciousness again, fear of saying something too obvious or totally dumb, hackneyed, irrelevant, or just so..."yesterday." i've been through it before, so i know how to deal with it. dive in. total immersion. the worst thing to do is to back away and hide. if i say or write something stupid, who cares? i can rest assured that my advisors and colleagues will let me know--LOL. that's how you learn. i'll probably flail around for a bit, but i'll get the hang of it again.
now i'm off to shower, grade some papers, and craft a study guide for my students. they're reading some tough stuff next week, and i want to set up some markers or mileposts for them.
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