in brief

[arguchik]

it has been 2 weeks since i've posted here. i haven't been keeping up with friends' journals very regularly, either. partly this is because i've been busy preparing for and making my way through the first week of the quarter. it's also because the things i've been thinking and worrying about are somewhat private. i'm not sure i want to write about it in this forum (also not sure anyone who reads my journal would want to read about it), and i haven't had the mental energy to write about anything else.

i think i'm at something of an impasse WRT blogging, bumping up against its limitations whereas before i was more impressed by what it offers. perhaps i'm also bumping up against my own expectations for the medium, and trying to figure out whether/how to revise those expectations along with my relationship to the medium, how i use it, etc.

i've been doing a lot of this same kind of questioning in other areas of my life, too. taking stock, i guess you could say. coming to terms. assessing trajectories, plans, and ideas. accepting where i am and what has led me here even as i feel out the contours of here and now.

heady stuff. hard work.

Comments

[lxbean.livejournal.com]

it sounds like you're working through Something, even if I'm not sure what it is. I'm rooting for you -- please don't leave the medium! -- I think I can learn from whatever you figure out.

[arguchik.livejournal.com]

yeah...i feel like there's something inside of me that has been asleep for a bit, or scared into hiding. the process of written & oral exams + dissertation writing is profoundly ego shaking under the best of circumstances, or when things go according to plan. things have not gone according to plan for me, so my confidence has been shaken a lot. i haven't been writing with my own voice lately--i feel like i have to write/say/think what others write/say/think, and that's no way to work. it also kills motivation. anyway, i feel like the part of me that wants to speak and has something to say is waking up again. we'll see how she does in front of my committee, eh?

[alice-at-night.livejournal.com]

I find writing brings form to life-thoughts. Writing for others (i.e., blogging) has the advantage of forcing clarity, but the drawback of not being private. I hope you can find that balance.

I don't always comment on your blogs, but I do like reading them and learning from your thoughts.

[arguchik.livejournal.com]

thank you--i really like reading your blog, too. you have an interesting take on the world, and i get a kick out of your boy stories. i agree with you about what writing can do. as i said to malafrena, below, i think my main problem with the public-ness of the forum is that it inhibits me from fully expressing myself, and at the same time it has replaced my analog journal. i just need to get that notebook back out again and use it.

[alice-at-night.livejournal.com]

you know, it is possible to mark LJ entries as PRIVATE. I use that occasionally when I need to write, but I'd find it too searing for any of my friends to know about it. Keeps my journaling in one place.

I sometimes wonder why LJ doesn't have a NOT FRIENDS filter. For things I'm not sure I want my friends to know about..

[malafrena.livejournal.com]

I'm curious: what are your expectations for the medium? I realize that's not straightforward to answer, and I'm not sure how I'd answer it myself. I've used it as an audience for my writing (given how many years it takes just to publish a freaking short story) and proof that intelligent thoughts do go through my head. I did expect my family would read it, and they didn't.

I'll echo lxbean -- good luck on what you're working through, and hope you stay on lj.

[arguchik.livejournal.com]

i initially saw the medium as a way of keeping in touch with friends, sharing little weird things i noticed or found along the way. somehow it became my main mode of journaling, and i started writing pretty personal stuff here...and i'm not sure it's stuff my friends always want or need to read about. also, i'm not sure i'm as honest with myself as i am in my analog journal. there's always that nagging..."someone will read this" feeling. i don't give full voice to the stuff i'm feeling, so it's not as helpful as analog journaling. the answer to this part is clear: bust out the notebook and commence filling it again. but then what's the blog for? still just keeping up with people, keeping them posted on what's going on with me? the thing is, i'm starting to lean toward posting more substantive stuff...editorial commentary, academic musings, etc. and i'm not sure LJ is the right forum for that.

just thoughts. i think for now i'm going to continue using it as i have been, with the adjustment of also using my analog journal again.