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arguchikMy brother just emailed this to me and my sisters:
Yup.
So the news this week:
Last Friday my dad hit my mom in the face, because she was trying to get him to do something (not sure what), and was probably trying to physically move him toward whatever she wanted him to do. Dad has put up his fists in such situations before (my mom can't get it through her head that she shouldn't try to force him to do anything, that she should let the staff take care of him--that's what assisted living is for), and he may have hit her before--actually, we don't know that she hasn't hit him before--but this is not something we can allow to continue. Combativeness and hitting are normal (ha, "normal"), or common developments as Alzheimer's progresses, but it's unsafe for my mom, and better for my dad if he isn't being agitated to the point of striking out like that. The assisted living place, in consultation with my sisters, had a psych RN come in to evaluate my dad's cognitive function. We initially thought that all we'd need to do is adjust his medication. He scored 6 out of 70, which means that his function is much worse than we thought, and shifting his medication isn't going to solve the issue. We have decided that it's time to separate our parents. The assisted living facility has a memory disorders wing (locked), and we have moved my dad there. He shares a room with another gentleman. By all accounts, he seems to be doing a lot better there--it's quiet, his needs are all taken care of, and they engage him in gentle activities as he tolerates them. My mom can visit him whenever she wants, but if her presence agitates him, the staff ask her to leave. (This happened on Wednesday.) We're now trying to get our mom into a studio apartment across the hall from the 1-bedroom apartment my parents were sharing. It is also located right next to the entrance to the memory disorders wing.
Of course the whole situation is also having profound effects on my mother that I just can't write about right now. She is acting out while also trying to keep a polite veneer on things. I can only imagine how scary and frustrating it is, to have your spouse, the person you've been with for your entire adult life (they married when my mom was 22), slowly disappearing but looking basically the same, and behaving in some truly bizarre ways. At the same time, her cognitive function is also declining, albeit differently than his, and I think it's just impossible for her to fully process what's happening.
This--separating my parents--was something we all knew was coming someday, but we didn't realize it would happen so soon, or at least I didn't. We just moved them to this place last May. This week I've really had a hard time coming to terms with it. It absolutely sucks to lose a parent this way. I feel that I've already lost my dad, but he's still alive...and it's this slow-motion process of him just fading out, so the grief is protracted and furtive. This, though...it really fucks with one's romanticized notions of how one's parents will "grow old together" and "take care of each other."
Planet Alzheimer
You are now a visitor on planet Alzheimer. You have chosen to follow a loved one
there, as they are an unwilling inhabitant, having been taken there by force.
You do not want them to be alone in this absurd place, but you are still used to
planet Earth. You will find the Earth rules no longer apply, and you will have
to learn to adapt to these new rules if you want to survive the journey:
Never argue
Logic and reason do not exist
Lying is acceptable
You are not who you think you are, you are who they think you are
Never take anything personally
Old memories are best
Learning to do something new is not important
Being loved and accepted at all times is important
Have no expectations
Take advantage of the shuttle back to Earth as often as possible
Yup.
So the news this week:
Last Friday my dad hit my mom in the face, because she was trying to get him to do something (not sure what), and was probably trying to physically move him toward whatever she wanted him to do. Dad has put up his fists in such situations before (my mom can't get it through her head that she shouldn't try to force him to do anything, that she should let the staff take care of him--that's what assisted living is for), and he may have hit her before--actually, we don't know that she hasn't hit him before--but this is not something we can allow to continue. Combativeness and hitting are normal (ha, "normal"), or common developments as Alzheimer's progresses, but it's unsafe for my mom, and better for my dad if he isn't being agitated to the point of striking out like that. The assisted living place, in consultation with my sisters, had a psych RN come in to evaluate my dad's cognitive function. We initially thought that all we'd need to do is adjust his medication. He scored 6 out of 70, which means that his function is much worse than we thought, and shifting his medication isn't going to solve the issue. We have decided that it's time to separate our parents. The assisted living facility has a memory disorders wing (locked), and we have moved my dad there. He shares a room with another gentleman. By all accounts, he seems to be doing a lot better there--it's quiet, his needs are all taken care of, and they engage him in gentle activities as he tolerates them. My mom can visit him whenever she wants, but if her presence agitates him, the staff ask her to leave. (This happened on Wednesday.) We're now trying to get our mom into a studio apartment across the hall from the 1-bedroom apartment my parents were sharing. It is also located right next to the entrance to the memory disorders wing.
Of course the whole situation is also having profound effects on my mother that I just can't write about right now. She is acting out while also trying to keep a polite veneer on things. I can only imagine how scary and frustrating it is, to have your spouse, the person you've been with for your entire adult life (they married when my mom was 22), slowly disappearing but looking basically the same, and behaving in some truly bizarre ways. At the same time, her cognitive function is also declining, albeit differently than his, and I think it's just impossible for her to fully process what's happening.
This--separating my parents--was something we all knew was coming someday, but we didn't realize it would happen so soon, or at least I didn't. We just moved them to this place last May. This week I've really had a hard time coming to terms with it. It absolutely sucks to lose a parent this way. I feel that I've already lost my dad, but he's still alive...and it's this slow-motion process of him just fading out, so the grief is protracted and furtive. This, though...it really fucks with one's romanticized notions of how one's parents will "grow old together" and "take care of each other."
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no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 04:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:00 pm (UTC)Sarah
no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:22 pm (UTC)((virtual hugs))
You all are in my thoughts.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:32 pm (UTC)Thanks for writing this.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 08:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 11:34 pm (UTC)What makes you worry about your dad? If you think you're seeing early signs of Alzheimer's, it would pay to talk to his doctor about it, because there are medications that seem to preserve cognitive functioning and delay the onset of the worst symptoms.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-13 05:55 am (UTC)