eat light:

yay! got up and ran 3 miles this morning. it was a little bit of a struggle to get out of bed, and i got out of bed later than i'd have liked (not til 7:15; i was aiming at somewhere between 6:15 and 6:30). but the run went well, and i feel awake and good now (hungry!). it's now slightly past 8am...i'm going to grab a bite to eat, hit the shower, and be on my way.

that's a total of 6 miles so far this week.

time for some 80's dance music...

we slip and slide as we fall in love
and i just can't seem to get enough...

i ran 3 miles today, and i only made 6 miles this week--7 last week. i've had the running blahs for the last couple of weeks, at least during the week. it derailed me on tuesday, wednesday, and friday (yesterday), and almost got today's run, too, but i finally talked myself into the shoes and out the door. this happens. i'm familiar with it, i have been through it before and have always come out fine on the other side. i wasn't prepared for it this time, though. i think the trouble is that i decided to try doing my mid-week runs in the evening. the problem is, i get home from school in the afternoon, and the thought of spending a couple of hours to change into my running gear, stretch, run, stretch again, then shower and eat dinner...it just seems too daunting, too much of a pain in the ass when i just want to wind down from the rest of the day. so, this week i'm going to shift those 2 mid-week runs back to the morning. i wake up at 6am every morning anyway, so i might as well lug my ass out of bed and run. what do i do otherwise? i end up rolling around for about an hour, trying to get comfortable and catch another 30 minutes or so of shut-eye before finally getting up at 7 or 7:15 to eat, shower, dress, and leave.

could that be a motivational motto? "might as well run. what else am i gonna do?"

maybe i can set my computer to wake me up with some energizing music. like the song i'm playing now. "blue monday" by new order. great fucking song man. seriously, does anyone out there know if it's possible to set my computer up as an alarm clock?

p.s. i just realized that the userpic i put on this entry shows *cat* tracks, not *dog* tracks. dammit. i know how to read tracks, too; i can't believe i didn't notice that before. there's nothing wrong with cat tracks, of course; but my intention was to use dog tracks as a remider to myself of how much fun it will be to run with a dog again.

my new macbook is groooovy! i'm liking it a lot--using it is making me realize how sluggish and clunky my powerbook had become. i feel like the monkey in my new userpic (ripped from yahoo--it looks a little blurry, unfortunately): "i have ALL the bananas!" i'm almost all moved in to the new machine. so far it has been relatively hassle-free, just a couple of weird quirks from using the migration assistant to move a bunch of files over from my old powerbook (i didn't have a firewire cable while setting up the new machine, so i waited to migrate files...not sure i would do it that way again). i figured everything out except for one strange glitch: when i open up the "about this mac" window, and click to open the full view (where it lists out everything your computer is and everything it has), the top of the window identifies it as "sharon crowley's powerbook g4 12-inch." but of course all of the equipment listed is what's on the new macbook. this probably doesn't matter at all. i'm just wondering if there are possibly any other weird things that might be mis-labeled that do matter. anyone out there with any experience?

running log: ran 3 miles today. i took tuesday and wednesday off because i was working hard on my prospectus draft (which i turned in on wednesday). thursday was a planned rest day, and i was trying to make up for some lost sleep, so i left it at that. and then on friday (yesterday) i just didn't feel like running, so i didn't. today's run was fabulous. but i ended up at only 7 for this week. :-(

ran 4 miles this morning, so i'm finishing this week at 18 miles! the current high water mark. next week i'm only planning to run 17 miles. this week was a little bit of a fluke, because i ran last weekend's 4 miler on sunday rather than saturday, so it ended up in this week's total rather than last week's.

i think i'll run a couple of weeks at 17 miles and see how it goes. if everything feels good, i'll spend 3 weeks increasing to 20 miles (so i'll be running 4 miles per day, 5 days per week). i'll probably stay there for 2 or 3 weeks, and then start increasing so that i'm doing my longest run on saturdays, and my second longest run on wednesdays.

i ran 3 miles this evening. that puts me at 11 for the week. yay! today's run felt really good. i run an out and back course, so i have points mentally marked off that are 1.5 and 2 miles from home (for a 3 and a 4 mile run, respectively). today when i got to the 1.5 mile turnaround point, it was a struggle to make myself turn around. i wanted to go 4 miles instead of 3, but i also don't want to injure myself, so i made myself turn around. i keep reminding myself, "slow and steady wins the race" (SSWR).

with each mile i run, each breath, each bit of rubber worn off the bottoms of my shoes, it feels like i'm gradually, gradually picking up the broken bits of myself, dusting them off, and assembling them back into something (someone) more recognizable and comfortable. i'm saying i'm starting to like myself again, or at least to accept myself for what i am and am not. i haven't for quite awhile. i'm afraid that has made me difficult to be around, too; difficult to like; difficult even to know. over the last several months, i know i have felt stiff and awkward in many social situations--wanting to join in, go out, have fun but feeling shy and constrained, like i don't have anything to offer. this has been a bit of a struggle lately, because i'm coming "back" to my academic work, and to an intellectual community, and i feel a little bit of that "new grad student" self-consciousness again, fear of saying something too obvious or totally dumb, hackneyed, irrelevant, or just so..."yesterday." i've been through it before, so i know how to deal with it. dive in. total immersion. the worst thing to do is to back away and hide. if i say or write something stupid, who cares? i can rest assured that my advisors and colleagues will let me know--LOL. that's how you learn. i'll probably flail around for a bit, but i'll get the hang of it again.

now i'm off to shower, grade some papers, and craft a study guide for my students. they're reading some tough stuff next week, and i want to set up some markers or mileposts for them.

i ran 4 miles this morning. it was lovely. the air was a bit chilly, and the sky overcast, and i just cruised along at a comfortable pace the whole time. i saw many dogs. the week starts today, so i'm at 4 for this week.

i forgot to log the 3 miles i ran yesterday--i didn't exactly forget so much as i didn't have time. i spent most of the day away from home. anyway, i finished up last week at only 6 miles. not great, but it's ok. it was a busy week and i accomplished a lot of non-running stuff, so it balances out.

i am soooooo happy to be a) back in the classroom and b) focused on my academic work again. now if i can just stay focused a little longer, and avoid getting distracted by another job again, i might actually be able to finish this degree.

i ran 4 miles this morning, so i'm at 11 for the week. it was a good run, interrupted by a couple of unexpected sidewalk blockages due to construction (one small, one huge)--there was construction happening on both of these sites before, but the sidewalk blockages are new. i had to cross the street at the big construction site--with the help of a crossing guard.

i'm so grateful for running. it's really helping me to stay sane right now. (to the extent that i ever was sane, i guess.) it's rhythmic, meditative, helps to dissipate stress and tension, and gives me time and space to think, to just be. and breathe.

today i'll be home working all day. i'm hoping to get my syllabus and course packet finalized by early to mid afternoon. then some more work on my prospectus, which i haven't quite finished yet. hopefully i'll finish that today or tomorrow, and then i'll turn my attention to reading for the duke feminism workshop, and finalizing an abstract/proposal for a conference i'd like to attend in july--it's being held in oxford, england. if the proposal is accepted, this will be my first trip overseas *ever*.

i ran 4 miles today. it was a fabulous run--i felt strong and fast. i wore SHORTS for the first time this year!!! the week starts today, so...i'm at 4 miles. this week is going to be weird, because i'm going to a conference at duke university at the end of the week. i leave thursday night on a red-eye, and i come back sunday afternoon. tomorrow is a rest day, and i'm planning to run tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. i might run saturday morning while i'm in NC, but i doubt it. it will depend on how tired i am.

happy spring, everyone! the vernal equinox is almost upon us. looks like it's on the 21st this year. today was so beautiful...in addition to the run (in SHORTS), i also walked up to the 74th street ale house with my roomie A, and we had a lovely lunch. lovely walk, too, gazing at and talking about plants and flowers. it's cool to walk around with someone who's as interested in botany as i am.

did i mention that i ran in SHORTS today?

i ran 4 miles today (finally!). my pace felt really good, pretty much the whole time--light and even. i love it when running feels like that. however, i'm only at 7 for this week because yesterday's run didn't happen. i stayed at glaucon's tuesday night, kept waking up all night because the cops were having some kinda field day or something, slept in, and then went to the DMV downtown to get my driver's license renewed. on my way there i enjoyed a late breakfast of groats and a crumpet (at the crumpet store in the market, of course). i had been planning to do the DMV thing on tuesday, but i had errands to run in the u-district that kept me there later than i expected. anyway, i was all out of sorts and grumpy by the time i got home yesterday afternoon, and just didn't feel like running in the evening. i much much much prefer to run in the morning.

oh, and my new driver's license picture SUCKS ASS! i think it's the worst one i've taken yet. the guy told me if i still hate it when i get the permanent license in the mail, i can get it re-taken for free. i'm quite certain i'll be doing that. (sigh) i should have known better than to go down there on a day when i was feeling tired and cranky, and hadn't showered yet. i really didn't want to have to go down there today or friday, though, and i couldn't wait any longer. the person who takes care of employment paperwork in my department office has been after me to get it taken care of--she needs it for my I-9 documentation.

running is not in the cards today. it keeps raining. not a lot. just enough to make me all wimpy and "i don't want to get wet" whiny. now it's 1:15pm and i just want to take a shower, already. i feel scummy. i'm also hungry for lunch, which will make running difficult until late afternoon (i run best on an empty stomach, oddly--and the shower thing...i HAVE to shower after running, so if i shower now that means i won't run today, because i just can't justify taking two showers in a day). that's ok i guess, i'll just run tomorrow morning instead, even though tomorrow is supposed to be a rest day.

plus i'm writing like a madwoman. i have written like 6 single spaced pages just this morning, about biopower. a lot of it is quoted from the books i'm using, but the quotations are just a framework. i will be spending the afternoon filling in that skeleton with the muscles of my own ideas.

also on the agenda for today: reading the project descriptions written by the other members of my new dissertation writing group. i met with my friend S last night, to get the descriptions and to discuss another project we want to present to the group on friday. i sent them a draft of my prospectus (which is seriously going to TRANSMOGRIFY this weekend, after i get their feedback, and after i'm done building my franken-biopower-stein-monster this afternoon) yesterday, and that is on the discussion agenda for friday's meeting.

i got some disappointing news last night, regarding a job i had applied for (i'm short-listed as an alternate, but didn't make the final cut), but things are looking up. my file has been forwarded to another program, and i am still going to be applying for other stuff through my home department and elsewhere for next year. i'm somewhat regretting that i didn't apply for funding through IWP (the interdisciplinary writing program) in my department. there are numerous reasons why i didn't; now those reasons seem a little dumb, because at least it would have been something.

the last two years have been a wasteland for me, in terms of academic progress. it feels good to be moving in the right direction again. it is so much harder now, though, than it would have been if i'd been able to keep moving back then; i feel like i have a lot of face and trust to regain, from my department and from my colleagues--and most of all from myself. this has caused me no small amount of despair, especially over the last year, as i have felt myself moving in the wrong direction, getting further and further off-track, feeling more and more uncertain about how to jump back to the track i want to be on. i'm there now, but it feels wobbly and tenuous still, and it will take a lot of energy to steady myself and keep moving. one thing at a time.......