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it's funny. i don't believe in god, but i half believe that sometimes we are sent trials in order to learn much-needed lessons. like my use of passive voice, there? "we are sent" allows me to elide the real subject of the sentence. who sends? nobody. we, the object of the sending, simply receive what comes, eternally, from "elsewhere."
i'm still in the throes of my "delayed reaction" to the appendix tumor thing. now that i've reduced other stressors in my life that were distracting me, this one is taking center stage, and it's a doozy for sure. it's a blow square to my sense of mortality...which i thought i had already come to terms with, as an adult. i certainly lost my youthful sense of immortality a long time ago--i can't remember the last time i believed myself to be invincible. it must have been before junior high, because i definitely never felt like that after puberty. hell, i was shocked to wake up the day of my 21st birthday. as a teenager, i was quite certain i would die before i turned 21. then it was 29 (because my eldest sister died at 29). i am the youngest in my family by a lot, so i started dealing with death at a pretty young age. my maternal grandmother died when i was 5 or 6 i think (was it 1972 or 1973?). since then, my other two grandparents have died (my paternal grandfather died long before i was born); i've lost several aunts and uncles, three cousins, and my sister (not in that order). i used to hang out in the catholic cemetary as a kid, just walking around reading headstones, poking around here and there. i'm trying to say i have known death, welcomed it into my life in a way. when you have as many dead relatives as i do, you get used to it.
but it's different when it touches your own body. i didn't really believe that before, but it's true. (duh, right?)
i have begun to realize that it isn't so much about mortality, though. my own death. it's more about feeling like my body...which i have always liked...is not fully trustworthy. and where did i get off, anyway, trusting something as ridiculous as a body? well. i don't know, but i did trust it, and i'm not sure i ever will again.
is that aging?
i don't know. i had a great weekend, though...some aspects of it not so great but it was consistently exciting. i'll post about it soon.
i'm still in the throes of my "delayed reaction" to the appendix tumor thing. now that i've reduced other stressors in my life that were distracting me, this one is taking center stage, and it's a doozy for sure. it's a blow square to my sense of mortality...which i thought i had already come to terms with, as an adult. i certainly lost my youthful sense of immortality a long time ago--i can't remember the last time i believed myself to be invincible. it must have been before junior high, because i definitely never felt like that after puberty. hell, i was shocked to wake up the day of my 21st birthday. as a teenager, i was quite certain i would die before i turned 21. then it was 29 (because my eldest sister died at 29). i am the youngest in my family by a lot, so i started dealing with death at a pretty young age. my maternal grandmother died when i was 5 or 6 i think (was it 1972 or 1973?). since then, my other two grandparents have died (my paternal grandfather died long before i was born); i've lost several aunts and uncles, three cousins, and my sister (not in that order). i used to hang out in the catholic cemetary as a kid, just walking around reading headstones, poking around here and there. i'm trying to say i have known death, welcomed it into my life in a way. when you have as many dead relatives as i do, you get used to it.
but it's different when it touches your own body. i didn't really believe that before, but it's true. (duh, right?)
i have begun to realize that it isn't so much about mortality, though. my own death. it's more about feeling like my body...which i have always liked...is not fully trustworthy. and where did i get off, anyway, trusting something as ridiculous as a body? well. i don't know, but i did trust it, and i'm not sure i ever will again.
is that aging?
i don't know. i had a great weekend, though...some aspects of it not so great but it was consistently exciting. i'll post about it soon.
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