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arguchikugh. polishing up my CV and other application materials. i suck. i don't belong in academia.
/self-denigration
seriously, i HATE putting together application materials--it makes me feel hopelessly inadequate under the best of circumstances. but when i look at my academic work over the last 3 years, all neatly bullet-pointed in my CV, it looks like a wasteland of missed opportunities, lack of initiative, and time spent doing other things. these "other things" were not necessarily time-wasters: i have put a lot of time into organizing my union local over the last 5+ years (i've been centrally involved for most of that time); last year i worked 2 jobs during winter quarter, then spent several months doing union organizing work in california; the previous summer i spent a month in michigan taking care of my mother when she had back surgery. my dog died. my dad started having mini-strokes (the first one also resulted in a severe concussion). my cat died. broke up with a couple of different boys. had my appendix out, with ensuing and ongoing drama.
excuses^3.
but jeez, my CV is producing self-confidence quakes that would pin a seismometer needle. how do i turn this discouragement, disappointment, and self-denigration around, into motivation and the impetus to go out and "do" academic work again? how do i talk myself out of throwing in the towel, and into tossing my hat into the ring, for the various academic appointments i want to apply for? (quick, call the cliche police...)
is it too late for me? have i wasted my chance at an academic career?
/self-denigration
seriously, i HATE putting together application materials--it makes me feel hopelessly inadequate under the best of circumstances. but when i look at my academic work over the last 3 years, all neatly bullet-pointed in my CV, it looks like a wasteland of missed opportunities, lack of initiative, and time spent doing other things. these "other things" were not necessarily time-wasters: i have put a lot of time into organizing my union local over the last 5+ years (i've been centrally involved for most of that time); last year i worked 2 jobs during winter quarter, then spent several months doing union organizing work in california; the previous summer i spent a month in michigan taking care of my mother when she had back surgery. my dog died. my dad started having mini-strokes (the first one also resulted in a severe concussion). my cat died. broke up with a couple of different boys. had my appendix out, with ensuing and ongoing drama.
excuses^3.
but jeez, my CV is producing self-confidence quakes that would pin a seismometer needle. how do i turn this discouragement, disappointment, and self-denigration around, into motivation and the impetus to go out and "do" academic work again? how do i talk myself out of throwing in the towel, and into tossing my hat into the ring, for the various academic appointments i want to apply for? (quick, call the cliche police...)
is it too late for me? have i wasted my chance at an academic career?
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-24 09:11 am (UTC)When I applied for independent schools I had to see an advisor and she took all my dot points and elaborated on them, so much so that the stuff that I took for granted and I thought might be perhaps a slight bonus, became the focus of the CV instead. Keep your chin up, I'm sure you will write a great CV.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-25 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-25 01:18 am (UTC)Then one time I had a friend (now ex-friend) ridicule me for my CV. I was teaching composition then, and she said that I had a puffed up ego for being proud of teaching a class that no one cared about and that most intelligent undergraduates test out of. (Clearly, this person was clueless about how our institution works or about the importance of teaching college-level, critical writing versus high school writing.) And I realized that when I emphasize my CV as something that reflects my worth, she is the kind of person I'm being. And that's a very nasty, disgusting thing to emulate.
Also...isn't it nice to see things you did over the years as steps in growing more confident, more accomplished, more knowledgeable? Not everyone works in the same way or at the same pace. Each item you list took a hell of a lot of work and speaks to your success. Don't let the comparison game take that away from you. Good scholars build on their knowledge by putting one foot in front of the other (or turning/writing one page after the other!) for a long, long time. And you've already started that journey and have something to show for it! That's exciting!
no subject
Date: 2007-01-25 03:52 am (UTC)it's part of being "nice" to oneself, which is what i blogged about a post or two ago.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-25 10:00 pm (UTC)That last hoop will be a tough one but it will be sooooo worth it. Besides I need an excuse to come back for a visit. :P